So persistent the "getting myself to do", the separate things good for me that our anchoring by that notion, instead of not considered not enjoyable like tv watching or showering or eating or going to bed.  Like sleeping too much or watching tv beyond its due, I'm sure some could have an aversion to those in the same way, and physical activity and purposeful relaxing (e.g. meditating) would be liked/chosen or even "overdone" in avoiding sleeping, downtime (tv watching).  

Then there's the idea of succeeding, especially "not" but just being in peace, and no on going failure of not liking what i'm doing or going to have to do, and i'm at least sleeping or watching tv because the rewards for doing good are there to be had without doing that good, so the unappeal of doing that good is reinforced because if they're "for" the rewards why do them then?  

I wonder if I could do a feelings journaling, specifically that ties to ascertaining if some attempted change will produce desirable effects.  Talk about set up for failure!  Right now, rate my happiness level:  ok 4.  Do I know the difference between happy and confidently special?  Walking today I felt like "specially inadequate" was signifcant.  Then how believing in sacrifice applies, maybe even more apprehensibly, in letting go of the negative, because you can't loose what isn't even desirable (but of course unconsiously maintained as externally convicted of it, even if you're trying to psychologically own it but the facts of psychology are what you have not control over!).

Emilia is crying to go out.  Uh, not wanting to, the I'm supposed to again inserting ahead, when without that habituated thought, when ready I just would have enjoyed taking her out, just like a tv show I wouldn't be averting ahead of time if it popped in mind.  Wow 30 minutes up already.  This does go remarkably fast than the "ugh" reaction forsees.

 Only 2 parts of 4 "finished"!  Hoping the kratom causes more fun soon.  Interesting in meditation to relate more believably to how the placebo of higher power could/"would" be just more direct, be more conducive to shorter time and more expansive - "any" - possibilites.  Then the draw-back of the self-definition that's says it can't face the abandonment of hope where it was placed before, that if "i" were so wrong how could i be capable/deserve that which it is made not of afterall!  I like the idea now of "honoring" lol that aspect by adding how it's belief in those other (in their yet continuing!) IS the placebo belief, seeing a benefit in that as compared to the stricter failure attitude in on going forms of hope.  And funny how there's hope in the dictate of failure, but a sadomasochistic back and forth of hope in the failure but it's too painful, creating need for hope, ... .  Checking time, checking in on where's the happy lift from kratom!

Time out to consider asking/listening.  What is The Will, "for" "me"?  What are the desires and decisions that can be enjoyed for their "future prophecy", because it's just a cluing in to what's happening, and that providing a happier experience of desires and decisions for a while?  Given I guess when not knowing is fine in and of itself.  So just now petted my thumb, now into the breath - and alternating finger pads pressing on and into the keypads.  About 5 more minutes.  Oh, I can go ahead and have some tea/coke!

And thinking ahead too to the psyilocibin.  Journaling and the rest of the quantum change well under way AHEAD of relying on that, well notice that hope in feeling good about myself to cause some finally final achieved "for good" (meaning over yet in the future now!).  Okay, "time" is up!

 Gotta write, to get out of self, that it won't work, so I keep busy writing!  But maybe it's an adept busy-ness from knowledge of self as opposed to self-knowledge.  Like using higher power within seeing self would misuse it, and SO using it within that exquiste defeat that is actually HP's having enough of "that" self.  I hate to address the "why"ning of not just doing what's adept.  Why does it seem worthless, which is actually just stuck in the self-fulfillin prophecy?  Of course there's the metaphysical worthlessness that it comes out of, and from the self-perspective just having to act-as-though (no matter how much and how long at failing it has to refer to).  And there's the Whole/Quantum abstract lifestyle change that IS that, not just the elements that are part of close-enough ... actually isn't.  I could just now notice rebeling at, not only is just finishing this writing portion not going to let me have a laurel to have completed, but I have the 30 minutes of meditation, which of course even that won't be the end, ... .  That's what I gotta write ... out.  Not that it's enough, but just about it.  Getting to watch tv, go to bed, take a substance are the big nemesises that somehow are given the meaning of sufficient stand-ins; yet they're so obviously not.  Even writing, which for someone else maybe would be that for them, because really I'm laying down, I don't have to edit or write anything in partiular, and in some right now I could see at as requiring LESS of me than trying to pay attention to tv.  And there's less opportunity to dwell on life not being worthwhile or not liking Gregg, or even "I can't even journal, what's the point, there isn't that's the point but I still can't follow through because that's what makes it adept."  BUT I can write it "out", really face it maybe instead of thinking I do ... which actually isn't.  The 30 minutes is ending.  Funny, honoring the self's complaint of none of this will be enough and never worthwhile, by sticking to a time limit.  But noticing how the idea that honoring it is what is allowing this to happen is false from both it being dissatisfied anyway and it has to go on anyway ... right now to meditation!

 Frozen, to write or not to write, starting or not with the "why", behind "why" or forwads's.  The bing bang of all these the reality, yet this particular rivulet.  In the rivulet of meditation, I contemplated the forward "whys" of "to feel better/good/right".  Imagined behind "whys" would be the healing of consciousness, settling in one/One mind, framing in on Infinite having this particular and not the dukha of "so much" the me treadmills AS the Infinite unaware of Its placement.  Framing in on what? - the feel of fingers - typing - the idea/curiosity of fingers and keys made only in their relationship and "their" feel the prime reality.  Again, what is the Infinite facing?

So that took about 20 minutes to write.  The "why" of feeling better is wondering if there's a being convinced of (adept) ways to participate/occupy that produce a story of feeling better, while evaporating that story because there is a convinciton here that "feeling better" (future) is essentially untenable, but it's best/worst idea of not attempting betterment through its "knowing" of that intenability, gives it a long term story of dysthymia! (yet appreicates the worse possibities not travelled, from having come to "self can't get out of self).

So the idea is "occupy" 2 hours a day, split between writing and meditating.  Writing I imagine to let discontent "act" out, and meditating to stay with and honor its forms - "facing" them.  And the psylocybin is on the way, more occupying to be sufficiently adept, like some physical activity will likely want to be included.  For today, over an hour, tomorrow the two.

gathering problems together.  allowing the differences of form to "speak" to each other so the ONE problem is enunciated behind them all.  Then experiencing how recognizing the problem is identical to knowing the solution.

dilemma of AA is having applied the ONE to a specific form of problem as well as a specific form(ula) of solution (as broad and general as it was to be helpful at the time).  without having a spiritually evolved itslef, it became the repository for a new egoic identity, that when it was new and fresh had not developed yet.  now, just like other religions, it helps those that can follow its message to its original inspiration.  and even on the identity level, it provides a much more helpful crutch than the actively-using crutch.  if unconscious identity-making could be warned against, then that would be a help to know that AA identity is  the same problem reoccurring as existed with fixating the relationship with drugs.  that would prevent the latter from reoccurring because "moving away from the drink" for some people would include moving away from the precept that a substance has power over choice (that's why moderation and harm-reduction is a better choice for some people from the beginning).  reframing AA as less absolute would be an interesting challenge because of its being co-opted by the "choice has been removed" premise versus the "drink question has been solved" attitude.  the latter went perfect with the "spiritual progress" premise, that moving identification along is the real issue.  AA entering its "worldly state" of becoming common didn't find away to reinvent itself and so becoming a substitute identity for addicts - now one that keeps relapse demonstrated front and center.  early AA actually "graduated" the pre-school of the 12 steps to Oxford Group Christianity, after the depth of brotherly connection was supplied first by the trenches of shared addiction histories (that ossified Christianity of itself could not initiate for these members).  Once the love in connectioin was found, even the love behind the religions could be recognized/deciphered.  it would be really interesting what non-religious members found as spiritual progress, since for me finding novelty in the traditional still seems like a little back-sliding (after all, religions themselves by definition are founded in relative novelty.  although "novel" is just a fresh rearrangement of what's eternal, so finding a way to appreciate this would be wonderful).  quintessential was the "novel" of higher power concept being supreme to previously existing authorities.  even use of conventional concepts within AA, by the success of AA, had become a lesser power to the divinity within the individual being the authority of any form of higher power concept itself (reflecting the commandment to hold no graven image - or concept).  if AA held trued to this, it might have demonstrated in its affairs a way to evolve instead of ossify spirituality.

the organizational success seems more significant.  first dilemma would be translating the primary purpose.  is AAs success only possible because of the "lash"?  could "lesser" problems provide enough motivation for establishing oneness in a group?  by definition it couldn't be the primary motivation anyway, because seeing through the facade that a problem is - lessens the fear lash that it has.  religions already are the non-specific problem group organizations.  why do some of us seem driven to more problem-specific centered spirituality?   more important, is it helpful to evolve the latter when the point is to eventually not need the temporary solution (could AA have tried installing recognition of when to dismantle no longer required expedients?  the "jails, institutions, and death" threat being my easy example - that keeping fear (even of that first drink) prominent makes IT a higher power).

so maybe a "graduate school" for 12 steppers, but at the same time a reversion to a one-room school house, a reintegration returning from all the specializations/segregation of this world (our individual worlds!).  but along the lines of a one-room school, it would also invite those whose not so definable problems made them "homeless", and now feeling left out just like 12 steppers felt left out until their problem brought them together.  to the degree that people can have feel like they have a problem, yet would go to a support group that emphasizes one mother problem (that through recognizing also means no problem), the movement might be self-motivating.  (maybe even enough hard core problems would be attracted enough to this to still provide the fear factor of the "bottom" for others!)  the form of the 12 steps maybe could still be used for continuity, with a rewording for familiarity yet new evolution.  Foremost would be the return of the individual/self as THE expression of its own higher power (and whatever caveat that the expression is always defined by the Self that it is beyond form).  perhaps the 1st step would be "came to recognize that the hypnosis of experiencing self as separate had turned into too much suffering".

an emphasis of the new format would be facilitating how recognizing a problem provided its solution..  right now i'm thinking there's a problem that i can't even come up with a simple illustration of this.  everything i've been writing has come easily and feels sensible to me.  how come there's a fear of coming to a dead end here (and so even the suggestion that all before is bull shit)?  well, a pre-eminent rule is that putting attention on something, especially as a problem, is what CAUSES the problem.  so ill use "faith" right now that a sense of struggle means to "put aside", not "double-down" on struggle.  i'll return tomorrow as flow brings me back to it.

Free to be free, and not to be mesmerized by choices

This is the "experience" of Free.  Free to choose anywhere anytime I AM free.  The rest of the where and when is JUST the contrast.  But it was all freely chosen, even the limits the contrast was allowed to go to.  I AM is where the buck stops, or gets spent.  I freely create an "I AM" so it inherently has the freedom to allow Itself, which at its level gets the real juice of freedom to say no.  God Itself wouldn't experience this contrast of freedom except through creating I AMs this way.  Suffering IS the contrast.  Free to go to that extent and free to decide that's far enough on the contrast level!  And then the turning around - or lessening of that contrast.  Even that is part of the free choice, although seemingly from outside time.  Having chosen the "no" path for contrast, a no to one's own Identity, the "yes" path now seems to be against the very experience of the freedom to say no (and so declaring that no to be a separate personal yes!).  This would just be part of the package deal once the time package is finishing up (or from outside time, and also known as NOW!).

Time itself can only reflect (or maybe bastardize!) this freedom.  Real freedom to remember true nature and its absolute freedom of what to due with the Awareness it is, within a "sleeping" character, must project its freedom into the illusory "choice", which projection is the making of "past".  I could of/woulda/shoulda pretend at "free" thinking, of course only now by deluding one step further - by projecting THAT into a "future".  As "bad" as the contrast gets, its just a doubling down on this mechanism to keep a separate character story going instead of being the NOW I AM (which wouldn't erase the story, except to recognize it is a STORY).  And the energy invested in that story has a LOT of momentum to even thwart this dawning recognition (not respecting the dream is to deny one's own power that is making it!).

My free will in the dream IS to realize I AM dreaming.  That the consciousness I have always been IS free (right now) and so can not be the non-peace and faux choices that are demonstrably just gimmicks - though have seemed like Reality.  The "threat" of claustrophobia is a perturbing one, that I am confined to now, and only One (and that it was sane to try to have "escaped" It).  Funny, it's just a Santa Claus of phobias though!  Freedom to Be All that I AM now "should" be quite an enlivening "contrast".  The caveat makes sense too though, that initial freedom from constriction can bring its own fear.  And maybe backing up and noticing THAT is my freedom becoming more free.

Finally, back to the inspiration this came from.  Roger Castillo dovely verbalizing how "my" feeling of what I want IS God's Will expressing Itself, both the "what" and its freeness ( i(t) still has the freedom to "nix" it!).  THIS IS God - BE It!  One Will, "becoming" one in the human experience.

Nick's Alchemy & Addiction (up to Zombie's, p12)

a sub-personality moment.  reading with overall amazement, and some disconcert at all the insight, understanding, etc and knowing that i meet him at a later point still troubled.  this comes to a crescendo for me in the sentence "The more one can get to know a sub-personality - on their own or with the guidance of hypnotherapy - the easier it is to notice when it tries to make an appearance."  AS i read I realize this sense i've been having is probably a sub-personality itself..  That if others experience such difficulty and failure - that on top of this others seem way more qualified than i - what point is there in me trying.  This is, I started to recognize recently, in the realm of religion,- almost simultaneously seeing it as a collective (archetype?).  In all the history of spiritual endeavor look at HOW MUCH has seemingly come to naught.  This easily becomes anger and ridicule at religion instead of dealing with personal sense/feeling of inadequacy, both because of others' keeping that question on the table AND the betrayal of them selling out and becoming zombie's in spiritual robes.  When I realized that Buddha was saying that the ONE "I am" was realizing it was that in its formerly dreamy sense of separate location, I also saw worshiping "other" was the other side of the coin for the despair of  "others can't do it so this is too hard".  Both keep Me asleep.  Since of course there's an endless continuum and recombining of these to tritrate with (anger/ridicule from either pole at the other pole just being within this one dynamic).  From this realization (coming off Fred's similar in his new intro on his homepage), there is a new awe at the ability of awakeness to find a way to turn every loving "mechanism" of self-awareness and USE that same to put Itself  back to sleep.  Jesus' sharing of "the kingdom of God is within, and at (your own) hand" becomes an immense religion mostly pointed away from Self!  And Escher-like, I can either fall into "OMG look how even harder that proves things to be" or "wow, i see the simplicity - FROM I AM - how tragi/comic playing at not I AM can become.

Now for further crescendo!  I'm having this sort of epiphany, considering making note of it but deciding I just want to read some more, and if i stopped all the time - well, look how much time i've spent here and if i stopped all the time where would i get!  Nick's next sentence though is "Today before Clever Trevor leads me down this primrose path, I recognize what he's up to and stops him in his tracks."  Talk about stopping me in MY tracks!  So I take the suggestion, and derail!  To give attention to this depre ssive sub-personality that sees and self-proves (without seeing that!) the enormous worthlessness of it ALL as well then in every thing.  I'm not as good as Nick (tongue in cheek there) at recognizing much less naming.  I'll always remember when I did come up with Recriminator for the critical one of anything done, usually even seeming like the only motivator to be able to change to another thing to do!  This came during time of therapy with Felicity, which is great marriage partner name for Recriminator!  So this new sub-personality's name hasn't percolated up yet.  I FEEL the "I'm not good enough; I don't know whether to force it; i'm critical of the premise to just let it go for now, that's an excuse".  I DO choose Ease though.  I forgive that "hard" was imposed on me, and choose the ease of seeing how easy THAT is!

can a problem solving support group transcend the problem?

gathering problems together.  allowing the differences of form to "speak" to each other so the ONE problem is enunciated behind them all.  Then experiencing how recognizing the problem is identical to knowing the solution.

dilemma of AA is having applied the ONE to a specific form of problem as well as a specific form(ula) of solution (as broad and general as it was to be helpful at the time).  without having a spiritually evolved itself, it became the repository for a new egoic identity, that when it was new and fresh had not developed yet.  now, just like other religions, it helps those that can follow its message to its original inspiration.  and even on the identity level, it provides a much more helpful crutch than the actively-using crutch.  if unconscious identity-making could be warned against, then that would be a help to know that AA identity is  the same problem reoccurring as existed with fixating the relationship with drugs.  that would prevent the latter from reoccurring because "moving away from the drink" for some people would include moving away from the precept that a substance has power over choice (that's why moderation and harm-reduction is a better choice for some people from the beginning).  reframing AA as less absolute would be an interesting challenge because of its being co-opted by the "choice has been removed" premise versus the "drink question has been solved" attitude.  the latter went perfect with the "spiritual progress" premise, that moving identification along is the real issue.  AA entering its "worldly state" of becoming common didn't find away to reinvent itself and so becoming a substitute identity for addicts - now one that keeps relapse demonstrated front and center.  early AA actually "graduated" the pre-school of the 12 steps to Oxford Group Christianity, after the depth of brotherly connection was supplied first by the trenches of shared addiction histories (that ossified Christianity of itself could not initiate for these members).  Once the love in connectioin was found, even the love behind the religions could be recognized/deciphered.  it would be really interesting what non-religious members found as spiritual progress, since for me finding novelty in the traditional still seems like a little back-sliding (after all, religions themselves by definition are founded in relative novelty.  although "novel" is just a fresh rearrangement of what's eternal, so finding a way to appreciate this would be wonderful).  quintessential was the "novel" of higher power concept being supreme to previously existing authorities.  even use of conventional concepts within AA, by the success of AA, had become a lesser power to the divinity within the individual being the authority of any form of higher power concept itself (reflecting the commandment to hold no graven image - or concept).  if AA held trued to this, it might have demonstrated in its affairs a way to evolve instead of ossify spirituality.

the organizational success seems more significant.  first dilemma would be translating the primary purpose.  is AAs success only possible because of the "lash"?  could "lesser" problems provide enough motivation for establishing oneness in a group?  by definition it couldn't be the primary motivation anyway, because seeing through the facade that a problem is - lessens the fear lash that it has.  religions already are the non-specific problem group organizations.  why do some of us seem driven to more problem-specific centered spirituality?   more important, is it helpful to evolve the latter when the point is to eventually not need the temporary solution (could AA have tried installing recognition of when to dismantle no longer required expedients?  the "jails, institutions, and death" threat being my easy example - that keeping fear (even of that first drink) prominent makes IT a higher power).

so maybe a "graduate school" for 12 steppers, but at the same time a reversion to a one-room school house, a reintegration returning from all the specializations/segregation of this world (our individual worlds!).  but along the lines of a one-room school, it would also invite those whose not so definable problems made them "homeless", and now feeling left out just like 12 steppers felt left out until their problem brought them together.  to the degree that people can have feel like they have a problem, yet would go to a support group that emphasizes one mother problem (that through recognizing also means no problem), the movement might be self-motivating.  (maybe even enough hard core problems would be attracted enough to this to still provide the fear factor of the "bottom" for others!)  the form of the 12 steps maybe could still be used for continuity, with a rewording for familiarity yet new evolution.  Foremost would be the return of the individual/self as THE expression of its own higher power (and whatever caveat that the expression is always defined by the Self that it is beyond form).  perhaps the 1st step would be "came to recognize that the hypnosis of experiencing self as separate had turned into too much suffering".

an emphasis of the new format would be facilitating how recognizing a problem provided its solution..  right now i'm thinking there's a problem that i can't even come up with a simple illustration of this.  everything i've been writing has come easily and feels sensible to me.  how come there's a fear of coming to a dead end here (and so even the suggestion that all before is bull shit)?  well, a pre-eminent rule is that putting attention on something, especially as a problem, is what CAUSES the problem.  so ill use "faith" right now that a sense of struggle means to "put aside", not "double-down" on struggle.  i'll return tomorrow as flow brings me back to it.

well that didn't happen.  i'll "complete" this creation and start another when ready for the question of problem reuniting with solution, or recognizing the different parts of a pattern.

persevering

did a little pen to paper.  shoulding still predominant though.  at first surprised at the synchronicity of opening "beyond recovery" to Fred's repetition of the necessity to put pen to paper.  and glad that here it was to just put one pattern on paper.  but then the self-accusations of hijacking it by sticking to the "one item" when it was the pen to paper (for a more "thorough" inventory) that was meant for me.

how do we hear what we're telling ourselves through the cacophony of conflicting messages?  i ask that, now i listen, and i merely follow.

beneficence.  good news.  teaching only that love.  now is IAM.

still meandering

... (is that enough for today?!)

if i had to call Leslie now ________

let me go back to "i ask and i follow".  i am.  i am awake.  i need do nothing.  i ask, what ways am i not aligned with the truth of that.  of course after Nick i tempted myself with my flight and shutting down mechanisms.  do i focus on not shoulding myself about those (actually notice, what, that my energy drop was a shoulding drop already about those, but that in considering that may be the case i didn't droop as much as i'm guessing might otherwise be?).  as for Nick, well, there's my same communication resentment that his sights were set on.  so i ask for more clarity about that.  and Nick himself? - not being totally at peace how do i separate him from that resentment.  i'll state "i forgive myself for communicating things or in patterns that didn't share i and you are love."  i seek a future different than the past so i forgive the apprehension of "happened again so will happen again".

still "planning" to stuff myself and find the squashing of demeaned muscle

sobriety/abstaining as MODEL of not accepting temptation

(10/2/14 but said "draft" so published now)
the significance:  not denying, resisting but saying no (to an outside tempter) to what has no appeal.  while not conscious that the temptation is coming from without, the primary temptation is to KEEP wanting that sense of self: to harbor something foreign because another self is wanted.  accepting any foreign self ,by that very act, can't help but only give you the cake and then leave you wanting the cake when Sisyphus has eaten it.

why would i want to steal something little, when i can create (it, but obviously way more anyway since I know I create).

self image, anger, ... admit first pairing - like alcholism

(draft wasn't published, so this was written before "next" post)
It's been hard to "want" to do  a 4th step about Jody incident.  I've got to do this first - first things first.  I obviously have anger, and obviously it is even rage.  But I can't be starting with the Jody rage incident, even though the 4th step would (although it is being used to precipitate this and preceding inner focus).

By the way, I am not a body, I am free, I as still as God created me.  There is no peace except the Peace of God, and for that I am thankful.  And I remember to ask for help, and give this writing to spirit, my One Infinite/Intimate Self.  I need only concern myself with my willingness and the ability of my spirit Amness.

My self image doesn't consider anger good - for its image!  Yet i minimize it with contempt and dislike instead.  The anger is like trying to manage drinking, and the rage a binge.  Of course, I'm back at me not being a loving person.  I guess that's the self image that crops up when I wonder at all why I'm angry, or can't do acceptance of anger, or be a person who is comfortable in their anger.  Yet this age old realization, or all the on going "work", ACIM, meditation, etc hasn't uprooted or pruned it away (enough, according to my self image).

That last parenthesis reminds me of the pride disclosure I made of my self image at the AA meeting.  The sense that I should be good enough at all this, but really just the pride of looking like i'm all that.  Originally as a good person that would obviously nice, and then the rage that comes from the conflict of "not" being so because of my ubiquitous anger.  Then work at spirituality and the self expectation of how that should manifest, first in my eyes (seemingly), but then as a remedial for how i hope i can look to others (even retro - as in look how good and wounded he was that he had to resort to all this work, and how actually holy cause see how he turned it around, and so special that he could make all THAT into something special now).

asking and willingness

i ask and i follow what is answered.  the i consciously writing this is the effect of I that is source of its and m"i" experience.  this is starting freehand because i'm experimenting with the latter concept to uncork the bottleneck between the heavy should and spontaneous creativity.  the "pen to paper" instruction (especially of resentments) versus writing whatever i want (or really not at all! - so versus not doing any at all: journaling, essays following branches of thoughts poking through my mind, desires!, organizing (listing some items of possible pursuit, scheduling activities, categorizing all these to de-clutter!) to offer efficiency, recording quotes, short occurrences like "change the bee!", ...

one idea, even different than above, is an invented addressing of Leslie for the psyk interview.  as well then, other people i might address like Fred, or even Jody (maybe that would be my lead in to then doing resentment work).

So as the last parenthetical cycled me back, this is what i ask, and which answer i am willing to follow.  for now i imagine sitting down to this quite frequently, but taking it easy because it's my simple willingness i focus on.  that's a lead in to an essay on how the sense of effort is suborned to that (and trust, Presence, etc.  and back to a theme that started this: uncorking.  now of the bottleneck between "simple" willingness and the place or perception of effort.

was all this "effort" simple willingness and part of "asking"? (sure wasn't a short amount of time!) i'm not going to meditate right now!, as was before my best guess "should" because it was supposed to be ("obviously" was) willingness And listening!

so sustaining source which gives awakeness to this experience of i am, what say "you"?

pattern "capture"?

unconscious thoughts, "notice" that i have been thinking that (or even just thinking), instant (or simultaneous) guilt/condemnation/frustration.  thus the latter almost seems what conscious is.

then the "i give up", attention captivating distractions, depress all these before, ...

the pattern of "trying" to see the pattern in a "moment" of time.  like trying to remember a video as well as just watching the video (or trying to memorize each frame and then sequence of frames to burn into "my" inner dvr).  a pattern could only be "seen" as a "photo", understood as one concept.

the above pattern of unconcious, notice/guilt, other emotional "management", psychological then behavioral distractions - i think i "got" while meditating.  the urge to "capture" it, but then the last paragraph because i feel more like i'm "in" that pattern (certainly "get" that a little more, but what does "getting" that mean except "i" can't get anything else!)

take 2?

(did this post?)

Reading Marc Lewis blog, how well he wrote triggered my audience question.  His talent extended to how well he replied to commenters.  Another category of audience, I then realized, would be one I anticipated responses from.  I thought of the One, that I the One am not just Marc authoring and commentor commenting on itself, but me not even recorded on that blog.  So Marc thinking he's writing, and having it "validated" by responses, but i am "equally" part of the One senario.  Since we are One, he must know even me, even without my interaction on that blog.  But he knows equally someone who I cross paths with that I may influence with the influence he had on me.  So how's that for an audience!  The infinite eternal itself!

Thank the One Peace for the undo button.  i just erased all the above, and was practicing the safety of each moment.  i just was going to let go for now and considered i might recreate the post tomorrow.  tried that back arrow button, and voila!

multitudinous

many ideas firing off.  all feeling significant.  write this, pee, ongoing book, acim lesson i already had in mind for a few days, last moment Way of Mastery lesson to "join" others (all this multitudinous going on and i've been missing a no brainer that i really like!), sit with a feeling/energy (thrown up by missing WAM), repeat today's ACIM affirmatioins, water plants

and planning.  i may not "worry" that bathing has to be added to the above tumult, but what about planning it?  with some sense of disfunction from the lack of peace above, how can i not be tempted to plan something that seems especially necessary?  per that, my missing WAM - now twice!

i'm "doubling down" though on not being tempted to defend myself.  i am now, here, th(I)s i trust.

now pee.  then water. i didn't read much of Unique Self.  watering means finding water containment for cloth pots.  think about that while i'm peeing/watering?  haven't even recalled meditation which is foremost in my practice of doubling down on now.

ok really gotta pee.  feel like I really captured the energy of multitudinousness.

tiredness

"hard" to figure out what to do or say besides just entering that word for that energy.  "hard" lurking right after the tired anyway, but the sleepier quality makes even the hard energy slip away when noticed.  painful though. maybe like a tension leotard getting more compressed (and even "attacking") as it is more up, so especially the face, crown.  wishing i could either go up or down.  to either feel energetic and inspired to partake and/or handle the events shrapneling me:  chores, aesthetic tweaking, projects of course, aging/imminent needs (hammock), spiritual studies that are actually the only thing.  the latter though, cognition doesn't seem to have sufficient gas.  funny that getting up and tweaking on something seems like that could have momentum instead of gas, whereas reading or meditating or continuing this is too imploding, too tired.  i'm going to check  craigslist now.  that hammock will is my spiritual "duty" because i can make my tiredness spiritual by using it to join with the sun!

Gotta Finish Off energy. Gotta get this blog done!

i just finished a Sleepy hollow that i'm indecisive about watching and even recording.  good to watch some of while eating, i decide.  start tweaking on other things but try to pay enough attention to feel i'm still "completing" it.  not to mention that i get to delete (instead of inconclusively watching it later which also means i wouldn't get to delete it now).

getting THIS blog done because maybe i'll free of the energy!  more particularly this last couple days as i feel more in tune with wanting - deciding for - only heaven.  i'm ascertaining, and throwing my lot in with, the use of "my" experience of a separate awareness be about a story of opening "back" into the One.  Asking One's Will on this though, cause while this is all in the conceptual area, what else can I do?!

so i want to vision my time, resources, "other" interests to now not just be practices of the NOW, but how they support my story of THE RETURN.  Like today clearing more of the patio to have it more idyllic when i sat next to meditate and read.

but the energy mentioned still pulled at me.  the "well this extra corner is actually part of the idyllic area intended".  the "well i'm this close to this, it's more efficient than putting it of and the sense of reward is worth adjusting the original intention".  not today though, the "well its easier to keep going like this or i guess i don't want' to do the Self honoring (i'm getting a sense now of how that's the same as not believing I'm worth it, or in short - worthwhile).

i'll "finish" this here, and turn to today's practice:  Only Salvation can be said to cure.  Speak to us Father, that we may be healed.

Hardness

i'm sensing that "energies" are what are more "note"able than thoughts (and so can be passed through or : let to congeal - noticed - and so also to dissolve - unmorph).  thoughts seem like a period compared to energies, like trying to understand a sentence by staring at the period.

i'll start with hardness, difficulty, ... impossibleness!  see, already naming "it" is ... hard!  i'm ok though because it's an energy, and part of HARD is the belief/feeling that i have to get my head around it.  i can just sit here, type or not, and know HARD is just ... let's say hard! (but it is what it is).  And actually it just ISN'T because i could just sit here and not be ATTENDING to the energy of hard.  HARD doesn't get harder until it becomes a black hole of hard.

i wanted to start with hard because it's what makes other hard energies HARD.  nothing else is coming to me right now.  that's hard, that i know there's so much that could be coming to me.  that my thinking feels stuck and foggy (behind the nose bridge feels squeezed and my alertness pressed down on).  unsatisfaction, i didn't do above right, or just not enough, if i just figure out just that one little bit more ...

but there we go, UNSATISFACTION i think is going to be another energy.

but as far as HARD goes, how hard is this ... BYE!

not "TO" do it, but it "will" do it

itches (the noun) again.  that seemingly elusive, and now probably just beyond language, understanding of why i don't need/want to scratch an itch.  Knowing i am not a body why would i want to scratch.  i have already experienced any degree of itchiness (the crescendo of "unrelated" feelings) FROM believing i am the body.  when i wonder if i'm really identified with a body, well itchiness makes it loud and clear!

(news flash.  i'm TYPING because i think i'm a body, no?  oh, another news flash? - it's like the itch.  i'm having an itch to journal this.  but that analogy seems to show i am now scratching it.  could be.  more like, then, i am giving MORE attention to the itch to transcend it.  how bout that itch to UNDERSTAND and see that everything fits!)

began to just realize that the practices i've made of not scratching that have confirmed for me that the itch would/will subside and even could/will become "just" an itch (the itchiness vanishes - just like all the ness's do anyway in "time"! ---- these practices are actually something of an improved way TO scratch instead OF scratching.

the confidence from experience is now a better "scratch".  but there's the rub:  the rational hijacking of this now to use it TO scratch (for the itch of rationality itself really, but that just confuses rationality).

happier dreams, as both promise and warning.  happier "me" in dreams, not  so much happier dreams.  the use IS i turn more and more to ME, the temptation is step off the escalator at the happy floor.