tiredness

"hard" to figure out what to do or say besides just entering that word for that energy.  "hard" lurking right after the tired anyway, but the sleepier quality makes even the hard energy slip away when noticed.  painful though. maybe like a tension leotard getting more compressed (and even "attacking") as it is more up, so especially the face, crown.  wishing i could either go up or down.  to either feel energetic and inspired to partake and/or handle the events shrapneling me:  chores, aesthetic tweaking, projects of course, aging/imminent needs (hammock), spiritual studies that are actually the only thing.  the latter though, cognition doesn't seem to have sufficient gas.  funny that getting up and tweaking on something seems like that could have momentum instead of gas, whereas reading or meditating or continuing this is too imploding, too tired.  i'm going to check  craigslist now.  that hammock will is my spiritual "duty" because i can make my tiredness spiritual by using it to join with the sun!

Gotta Finish Off energy. Gotta get this blog done!

i just finished a Sleepy hollow that i'm indecisive about watching and even recording.  good to watch some of while eating, i decide.  start tweaking on other things but try to pay enough attention to feel i'm still "completing" it.  not to mention that i get to delete (instead of inconclusively watching it later which also means i wouldn't get to delete it now).

getting THIS blog done because maybe i'll free of the energy!  more particularly this last couple days as i feel more in tune with wanting - deciding for - only heaven.  i'm ascertaining, and throwing my lot in with, the use of "my" experience of a separate awareness be about a story of opening "back" into the One.  Asking One's Will on this though, cause while this is all in the conceptual area, what else can I do?!

so i want to vision my time, resources, "other" interests to now not just be practices of the NOW, but how they support my story of THE RETURN.  Like today clearing more of the patio to have it more idyllic when i sat next to meditate and read.

but the energy mentioned still pulled at me.  the "well this extra corner is actually part of the idyllic area intended".  the "well i'm this close to this, it's more efficient than putting it of and the sense of reward is worth adjusting the original intention".  not today though, the "well its easier to keep going like this or i guess i don't want' to do the Self honoring (i'm getting a sense now of how that's the same as not believing I'm worth it, or in short - worthwhile).

i'll "finish" this here, and turn to today's practice:  Only Salvation can be said to cure.  Speak to us Father, that we may be healed.

Hardness

i'm sensing that "energies" are what are more "note"able than thoughts (and so can be passed through or : let to congeal - noticed - and so also to dissolve - unmorph).  thoughts seem like a period compared to energies, like trying to understand a sentence by staring at the period.

i'll start with hardness, difficulty, ... impossibleness!  see, already naming "it" is ... hard!  i'm ok though because it's an energy, and part of HARD is the belief/feeling that i have to get my head around it.  i can just sit here, type or not, and know HARD is just ... let's say hard! (but it is what it is).  And actually it just ISN'T because i could just sit here and not be ATTENDING to the energy of hard.  HARD doesn't get harder until it becomes a black hole of hard.

i wanted to start with hard because it's what makes other hard energies HARD.  nothing else is coming to me right now.  that's hard, that i know there's so much that could be coming to me.  that my thinking feels stuck and foggy (behind the nose bridge feels squeezed and my alertness pressed down on).  unsatisfaction, i didn't do above right, or just not enough, if i just figure out just that one little bit more ...

but there we go, UNSATISFACTION i think is going to be another energy.

but as far as HARD goes, how hard is this ... BYE!

not "TO" do it, but it "will" do it

itches (the noun) again.  that seemingly elusive, and now probably just beyond language, understanding of why i don't need/want to scratch an itch.  Knowing i am not a body why would i want to scratch.  i have already experienced any degree of itchiness (the crescendo of "unrelated" feelings) FROM believing i am the body.  when i wonder if i'm really identified with a body, well itchiness makes it loud and clear!

(news flash.  i'm TYPING because i think i'm a body, no?  oh, another news flash? - it's like the itch.  i'm having an itch to journal this.  but that analogy seems to show i am now scratching it.  could be.  more like, then, i am giving MORE attention to the itch to transcend it.  how bout that itch to UNDERSTAND and see that everything fits!)

began to just realize that the practices i've made of not scratching that have confirmed for me that the itch would/will subside and even could/will become "just" an itch (the itchiness vanishes - just like all the ness's do anyway in "time"! ---- these practices are actually something of an improved way TO scratch instead OF scratching.

the confidence from experience is now a better "scratch".  but there's the rub:  the rational hijacking of this now to use it TO scratch (for the itch of rationality itself really, but that just confuses rationality).

happier dreams, as both promise and warning.  happier "me" in dreams, not  so much happier dreams.  the use IS i turn more and more to ME, the temptation is step off the escalator at the happy floor.

stay tuned .. :)

dimensions of obsession, meaning that occurrences mesmerize me in their time frames.  the latest big one was yelling at Gregg at Bed/Bath.  this has been eating at me for a couple of weeks.  just now eating without the TV, and savoring the bites, i noticed the relapse into thinking provided that opportunity for mesmerization.  instead of a "thoughtless" return to savoring, i was captivated by the why, how i could do it yet again, why bother trying, am i sincere when trying if i fail so much, etc.
i'm not sure it was all these, but these are the standards i had no problem coming up with just now.  i actually noticed (maybe thought again!) what i'm describing now.  i was about to go longer into the above detours, when i decided it WAS just mesmerization.

actually, what i'm just thinking is that FAILURE is the mesmerizing concept.  i failed in not being angry (to honor, to be loving, to apply ACIM, ...) and of course that is a large dimension, lasting weeks to obsess on.  failing to be mindful are eddies the dimension of minutes.

and guilt of course is probably the real mesmerizer.  what is failure except the accusation by guilt, and lets not forget which sets it up too.  talk about a mesmerizing circle!

so how about traversing time without so many black holes!  all that presence!  all those breaths! (like breathing so only to exhale while savoring what i chew) just not the black holes!

so what about all the over eating, TV, depression (oh woe is me mezmer?) et al? those are "big" mezmers.  but in the end there's just that one mezmer - not being in the moment (ie guilt).  just worrying about "big mezmers" is an anxious projection of my future behavior.  and will i do without THAT black hole?!  stay tuned ... :)

imagine that!

imagine ... the breathing that would be with NO mental projections forward or backward.  the fear inherent in the assumed need to control by imaging the future or "using" the past, not just anxiously so but even the "happier" visits to these places.

this reminds me, because it ties in with, of ACIM reading of expecting only Truth in a fellow.  this contrasted with Joy's earlier comment of not setting up expectations because then she couldn't be let down.  so it's the abstract Truth we can expect, not any particular form, and THEN we will never be let down because we are living in confidence.  instead of unconsciously noticing and confirming how people are wrong (projecting our own attacking head space out), we instead live with the attitude that others are right.  that's the story i can live now instead of rehearsing the past.

there's the tie in.  the above is just another variant of believing the story that the past is real.  there's no way to get out of these dead ends that any mesmerizing form of past will lead to and away from the ruse that "past" is real.

wanting to lay in bed and take pleasure in the mulching design that is turning out so nicely.  resisting that relapse and the gone for now "how can i not think of other things".  what is now without a thought of what it is?  which would always be part of the thread of some story.  for that matter, what is acceptance?  there's different stories that can be carved out of a whole from which many perspectives can be stepped into.  I can accept THAT!

now that's a whole 'nother of the same thing!

delusion noticing delusion came from the delusion of "noticing"

talk about itch!  i kept half recognizing that i could be in noticing categories instead of trying to notice the constituents.  most surrendered to "thinking" intstead of its thoughts.  and of course that not so stable because that was just a thought that readily continued into "thinking" about it, "trying" to understand it.  kind of accepted next that it was "urge" or "desire" TO think, or for that matter to desire (to want to desire! - actually to desire and to ahhh have it filled, imageized for me by Star Trek Planet Video Game episdode).  That i could be in that urge.  Actually, could be in the consideration of freeze framing "urge" because rationally it seems urge is inter-defined with its object.  Yet urge is a category, and i get categories.  and yet, just as "ration" becomes tiresome, so does pursuing urge.

inspiration for entering today was getting a category of "sense of self".  (it feels though like it just slipped away)  itch; pain; thought; urge.  any of those to be noticed, but noticing already being a pulling away from a center.  or maybe more accurately the center having pointed out and is conscious of the reflection of the end of that ray first and then follows back along it.  almost like though each level itself becomes conscious, ie turns around to face the center (and interlaces with the proximal level).

anyway, can only sit with urge so long without "entertaing" it requiring the other end of the stick, the itch of that urge.  i guess the category of sense of self came from Fred's blog.  Basically, in noticing that someone else is in delusion, "who" is noticing THAT.  there could only be something pointing out to notice that.  that has been hard to get under, except just now getting that "noticing" an itch, pain, thought, etc is "noticing".  noticing a delusional person is just an itch.  and what wants to notice but a sense of self?

and maybe that sense of self turing around and pointing to the center is "giving its life" to it.  for this category to interlace now, it has to allow the it"s'elf" to be provided for by the center.  it can still have a sense as it evaporates center-wise along the ray.  instead of pointing out, now exhausted from so much pointing.

and so simplicity.  no providing for the future because there's no taking care of that future self because the sense of self is tired of pointing out to imagine a future self to maintain ITSELF.  let this sense right now be infused by a center, by inspiration, by peace, by no thing ness.  not that it can quite apprehend this, but it senses it can relate itself to what's center to it instead of what came out of it.