resting in awareness

can i write in as much as a sense of rest as i think i get from watching tv?  is it rest even, or the ineffable that resting is either a substitute or prerequisite for?  what about eating?  is that pleasure different than resting?  anyway, take away the expectation from what i'm going to write would i want to write?  i did want to "record" the concept of resting in now (that Scott Killoby initiated for me).  tired though.  tired.  tired. tired.  meditating too.  let tired be.  be tired.  close eyes for a while during "blogging".  is that "what" i'm doing "while" blogging.  thinking that i'm "writing" and not writing, closing my eyes, feeling tired (pressure pain in behind my face), lying in bed, stopping for a full breath, stopING ...

how about that, that i'm just aware.  that being aware-ing too.  so i'm resting in awareness AS i write.  pausing.  tired.  tired while writing "tired" or just aware that i'm "writing "tired''"?  low blood sugar hunger hole as well as pain behind face tired.

now is safe.  i don't have to worry about manipulating what else "needs" to happen down the line and how i have to manipulate these feelings "best" in order to manage down the line considerations.

battery already low.  just in time to head to AA.  don't have to worry about how tiredness impinges on interacting with Steve

honoring

Honoring the Skype questioner on Oprah's show who put it out there "how do i stay present when my ego tells me i'll loose my friends, career, etc."  that's the basic, how do i let go of not any one particular concept for myself, but ANY and ALL.  this is already gibberish in that it writes words about a non-conceptual realm.  adding a slap from the left to that slap from the right, is that presence fulfills more than any concept when of course the word presence is already a concept.  that one may have had the transcendent experience behind the word makes sense they aren't pressed by the question.  but to state this as self-evident to those who are in a state that they could be asking the question in the first place troubles me.

i partition (a large) percentage of the the time initiating future action.  ekhart/skyper inspired me to follow them up and my thoughts of this shared trouble with the skyper by writing this.  i wasn't totally "present" and only had the action inspiration when the show was done.  nor did i harmoniously realize i wanted to pause the show and seamlessly return to it when i was done writing.  i also initiated forceful thought/energy to commit and to follow through when the show ended.  included of course are alternatives the "force" was necessary to counter act:  too difficult (and it is); should call Gregg and appease (word popped up) kindness activity first; do the door that i had queued up for several days; need to eat my desert earlier than later.  talking about presence as though there's just one thought or feeling that can be noticed at a time is something i am at a loss about.  i just with difficulty wrote all this and with some resentment that something so self evident needs to be hashed out.

addendum.  i have had more thoughts about adding to "horizontal" living.  mostly physical phenomena, objects and motion.  as per above, too much noticing thoughts/emotions is already a train that's taken me perpendicularly to the present.  i do pray though to be in acceptance of all, and once again, what does that mean or look like?  here i am.  "done" with the activity that took a moment to conceive but reigned in "many" others to reconsider, persuade, anticpate.  and now "remembering" all that, writing presently about that (or typing? thinking? sitting?  hearing the mocking bird repeatedly - in between hitting keys, thoughts firing, or simultaneously?)

now is good, safe.  hesitations that this was ridiculous, needed to get to the other stuff, frustration that i can't get this stuff out better, good and safe to have them too, and when so realized fully then i suppose will be no more.  now.  safe.  good.  simplicity.  trust.  mocking bird ...