honoring

Honoring the Skype questioner on Oprah's show who put it out there "how do i stay present when my ego tells me i'll loose my friends, career, etc."  that's the basic, how do i let go of not any one particular concept for myself, but ANY and ALL.  this is already gibberish in that it writes words about a non-conceptual realm.  adding a slap from the left to that slap from the right, is that presence fulfills more than any concept when of course the word presence is already a concept.  that one may have had the transcendent experience behind the word makes sense they aren't pressed by the question.  but to state this as self-evident to those who are in a state that they could be asking the question in the first place troubles me.

i partition (a large) percentage of the the time initiating future action.  ekhart/skyper inspired me to follow them up and my thoughts of this shared trouble with the skyper by writing this.  i wasn't totally "present" and only had the action inspiration when the show was done.  nor did i harmoniously realize i wanted to pause the show and seamlessly return to it when i was done writing.  i also initiated forceful thought/energy to commit and to follow through when the show ended.  included of course are alternatives the "force" was necessary to counter act:  too difficult (and it is); should call Gregg and appease (word popped up) kindness activity first; do the door that i had queued up for several days; need to eat my desert earlier than later.  talking about presence as though there's just one thought or feeling that can be noticed at a time is something i am at a loss about.  i just with difficulty wrote all this and with some resentment that something so self evident needs to be hashed out.

addendum.  i have had more thoughts about adding to "horizontal" living.  mostly physical phenomena, objects and motion.  as per above, too much noticing thoughts/emotions is already a train that's taken me perpendicularly to the present.  i do pray though to be in acceptance of all, and once again, what does that mean or look like?  here i am.  "done" with the activity that took a moment to conceive but reigned in "many" others to reconsider, persuade, anticpate.  and now "remembering" all that, writing presently about that (or typing? thinking? sitting?  hearing the mocking bird repeatedly - in between hitting keys, thoughts firing, or simultaneously?)

now is good, safe.  hesitations that this was ridiculous, needed to get to the other stuff, frustration that i can't get this stuff out better, good and safe to have them too, and when so realized fully then i suppose will be no more.  now.  safe.  good.  simplicity.  trust.  mocking bird ...