manic except i am more "now is safe" oriented. manic i think is still future oriented, but thinks that future is imminent. therefore there is that extra confidence and enthusiasm because that safe (good) moment is about to fruit instead of darkly distant. there's the multiplicity too because they can now rush at you, as the extra energy can see all the possibilities as each one rushes into the "near" future.
but it still is about Now not being safe. and there's the burnout because of the constant propulsion into that near future. i kept reminding myself of this after it occurred to me because of the allure of some greater promise getting fullfilled soon.
part of it is the "getting done" treadmill. the promise is that getting "done" is good. maybe each accomplishing represents the final "getting done" where the Final state is finally achieved - It has arrived! it occurred too that a much deeper enjoyment of accomplishment comes with knowing all "already" is accomplished. there's no separation in time, and all before that instant of awareness in all the universe has accomplished itself. and all after as well just as all the future accomplished itself after any arbitrarily chosen "past" point.
bouncing is still (?)tempting me. i wanted to be able to record the rapidly occuring understandings presenting earlier when i was leafing. i rehearsed, or tried to retain them, as time passed.
wrongness. choosing guilt versus practicing Trust. moment versus current. thinking as control and as a form of not Trusting. ... Like just now remembering Trust and sensing relief. Understanding presenting itself in sensible (sensuous) thoughts when in Trust instead of the weary train of thinking trying to make understanding happen.
problem with "Be in the Moment" doesn't explain how to be in Flow. Accepting what Is doesn't address how to move onto the next moment and accept what Is then while "taking time out" to accept what is now what just Was. part of the Moment is a vector. that can't be surfed with too static a concept of the Moment. writing or talking are perfect referents. the single word, syllable or sound, isn't stayed present too. if i'm "making a sandwich", am i cutting the bread now, am i sliding the knife down, am i moving the knife a cm (or less), am i breathing if my grounding practice comes to mind, ...
... intent. interruption. how does intent get handled (as the intent gets thought into existence, initally and as it reoccurs as possiblity, reinforced in attempt, reevaluated, etc). meditation is an intent. if thoughts are more dispelled in grounding practice, how does intent get held too? such as the intention to dispell thoughts! and to meditate.
interruption time! was my intent fullfilled?!
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