So persistent the "getting myself to do", the separate things good for me that our anchoring by that notion, instead of not considered not enjoyable like tv watching or showering or eating or going to bed.  Like sleeping too much or watching tv beyond its due, I'm sure some could have an aversion to those in the same way, and physical activity and purposeful relaxing (e.g. meditating) would be liked/chosen or even "overdone" in avoiding sleeping, downtime (tv watching).  

Then there's the idea of succeeding, especially "not" but just being in peace, and no on going failure of not liking what i'm doing or going to have to do, and i'm at least sleeping or watching tv because the rewards for doing good are there to be had without doing that good, so the unappeal of doing that good is reinforced because if they're "for" the rewards why do them then?  

I wonder if I could do a feelings journaling, specifically that ties to ascertaining if some attempted change will produce desirable effects.  Talk about set up for failure!  Right now, rate my happiness level:  ok 4.  Do I know the difference between happy and confidently special?  Walking today I felt like "specially inadequate" was signifcant.  Then how believing in sacrifice applies, maybe even more apprehensibly, in letting go of the negative, because you can't loose what isn't even desirable (but of course unconsiously maintained as externally convicted of it, even if you're trying to psychologically own it but the facts of psychology are what you have not control over!).

Emilia is crying to go out.  Uh, not wanting to, the I'm supposed to again inserting ahead, when without that habituated thought, when ready I just would have enjoyed taking her out, just like a tv show I wouldn't be averting ahead of time if it popped in mind.  Wow 30 minutes up already.  This does go remarkably fast than the "ugh" reaction forsees.

 Only 2 parts of 4 "finished"!  Hoping the kratom causes more fun soon.  Interesting in meditation to relate more believably to how the placebo of higher power could/"would" be just more direct, be more conducive to shorter time and more expansive - "any" - possibilites.  Then the draw-back of the self-definition that's says it can't face the abandonment of hope where it was placed before, that if "i" were so wrong how could i be capable/deserve that which it is made not of afterall!  I like the idea now of "honoring" lol that aspect by adding how it's belief in those other (in their yet continuing!) IS the placebo belief, seeing a benefit in that as compared to the stricter failure attitude in on going forms of hope.  And funny how there's hope in the dictate of failure, but a sadomasochistic back and forth of hope in the failure but it's too painful, creating need for hope, ... .  Checking time, checking in on where's the happy lift from kratom!

Time out to consider asking/listening.  What is The Will, "for" "me"?  What are the desires and decisions that can be enjoyed for their "future prophecy", because it's just a cluing in to what's happening, and that providing a happier experience of desires and decisions for a while?  Given I guess when not knowing is fine in and of itself.  So just now petted my thumb, now into the breath - and alternating finger pads pressing on and into the keypads.  About 5 more minutes.  Oh, I can go ahead and have some tea/coke!

And thinking ahead too to the psyilocibin.  Journaling and the rest of the quantum change well under way AHEAD of relying on that, well notice that hope in feeling good about myself to cause some finally final achieved "for good" (meaning over yet in the future now!).  Okay, "time" is up!

 Gotta write, to get out of self, that it won't work, so I keep busy writing!  But maybe it's an adept busy-ness from knowledge of self as opposed to self-knowledge.  Like using higher power within seeing self would misuse it, and SO using it within that exquiste defeat that is actually HP's having enough of "that" self.  I hate to address the "why"ning of not just doing what's adept.  Why does it seem worthless, which is actually just stuck in the self-fulfillin prophecy?  Of course there's the metaphysical worthlessness that it comes out of, and from the self-perspective just having to act-as-though (no matter how much and how long at failing it has to refer to).  And there's the Whole/Quantum abstract lifestyle change that IS that, not just the elements that are part of close-enough ... actually isn't.  I could just now notice rebeling at, not only is just finishing this writing portion not going to let me have a laurel to have completed, but I have the 30 minutes of meditation, which of course even that won't be the end, ... .  That's what I gotta write ... out.  Not that it's enough, but just about it.  Getting to watch tv, go to bed, take a substance are the big nemesises that somehow are given the meaning of sufficient stand-ins; yet they're so obviously not.  Even writing, which for someone else maybe would be that for them, because really I'm laying down, I don't have to edit or write anything in partiular, and in some right now I could see at as requiring LESS of me than trying to pay attention to tv.  And there's less opportunity to dwell on life not being worthwhile or not liking Gregg, or even "I can't even journal, what's the point, there isn't that's the point but I still can't follow through because that's what makes it adept."  BUT I can write it "out", really face it maybe instead of thinking I do ... which actually isn't.  The 30 minutes is ending.  Funny, honoring the self's complaint of none of this will be enough and never worthwhile, by sticking to a time limit.  But noticing how the idea that honoring it is what is allowing this to happen is false from both it being dissatisfied anyway and it has to go on anyway ... right now to meditation!

 Frozen, to write or not to write, starting or not with the "why", behind "why" or forwads's.  The bing bang of all these the reality, yet this particular rivulet.  In the rivulet of meditation, I contemplated the forward "whys" of "to feel better/good/right".  Imagined behind "whys" would be the healing of consciousness, settling in one/One mind, framing in on Infinite having this particular and not the dukha of "so much" the me treadmills AS the Infinite unaware of Its placement.  Framing in on what? - the feel of fingers - typing - the idea/curiosity of fingers and keys made only in their relationship and "their" feel the prime reality.  Again, what is the Infinite facing?

So that took about 20 minutes to write.  The "why" of feeling better is wondering if there's a being convinced of (adept) ways to participate/occupy that produce a story of feeling better, while evaporating that story because there is a convinciton here that "feeling better" (future) is essentially untenable, but it's best/worst idea of not attempting betterment through its "knowing" of that intenability, gives it a long term story of dysthymia! (yet appreicates the worse possibities not travelled, from having come to "self can't get out of self).

So the idea is "occupy" 2 hours a day, split between writing and meditating.  Writing I imagine to let discontent "act" out, and meditating to stay with and honor its forms - "facing" them.  And the psylocybin is on the way, more occupying to be sufficiently adept, like some physical activity will likely want to be included.  For today, over an hour, tomorrow the two.

gathering problems together.  allowing the differences of form to "speak" to each other so the ONE problem is enunciated behind them all.  Then experiencing how recognizing the problem is identical to knowing the solution.

dilemma of AA is having applied the ONE to a specific form of problem as well as a specific form(ula) of solution (as broad and general as it was to be helpful at the time).  without having a spiritually evolved itslef, it became the repository for a new egoic identity, that when it was new and fresh had not developed yet.  now, just like other religions, it helps those that can follow its message to its original inspiration.  and even on the identity level, it provides a much more helpful crutch than the actively-using crutch.  if unconscious identity-making could be warned against, then that would be a help to know that AA identity is  the same problem reoccurring as existed with fixating the relationship with drugs.  that would prevent the latter from reoccurring because "moving away from the drink" for some people would include moving away from the precept that a substance has power over choice (that's why moderation and harm-reduction is a better choice for some people from the beginning).  reframing AA as less absolute would be an interesting challenge because of its being co-opted by the "choice has been removed" premise versus the "drink question has been solved" attitude.  the latter went perfect with the "spiritual progress" premise, that moving identification along is the real issue.  AA entering its "worldly state" of becoming common didn't find away to reinvent itself and so becoming a substitute identity for addicts - now one that keeps relapse demonstrated front and center.  early AA actually "graduated" the pre-school of the 12 steps to Oxford Group Christianity, after the depth of brotherly connection was supplied first by the trenches of shared addiction histories (that ossified Christianity of itself could not initiate for these members).  Once the love in connectioin was found, even the love behind the religions could be recognized/deciphered.  it would be really interesting what non-religious members found as spiritual progress, since for me finding novelty in the traditional still seems like a little back-sliding (after all, religions themselves by definition are founded in relative novelty.  although "novel" is just a fresh rearrangement of what's eternal, so finding a way to appreciate this would be wonderful).  quintessential was the "novel" of higher power concept being supreme to previously existing authorities.  even use of conventional concepts within AA, by the success of AA, had become a lesser power to the divinity within the individual being the authority of any form of higher power concept itself (reflecting the commandment to hold no graven image - or concept).  if AA held trued to this, it might have demonstrated in its affairs a way to evolve instead of ossify spirituality.

the organizational success seems more significant.  first dilemma would be translating the primary purpose.  is AAs success only possible because of the "lash"?  could "lesser" problems provide enough motivation for establishing oneness in a group?  by definition it couldn't be the primary motivation anyway, because seeing through the facade that a problem is - lessens the fear lash that it has.  religions already are the non-specific problem group organizations.  why do some of us seem driven to more problem-specific centered spirituality?   more important, is it helpful to evolve the latter when the point is to eventually not need the temporary solution (could AA have tried installing recognition of when to dismantle no longer required expedients?  the "jails, institutions, and death" threat being my easy example - that keeping fear (even of that first drink) prominent makes IT a higher power).

so maybe a "graduate school" for 12 steppers, but at the same time a reversion to a one-room school house, a reintegration returning from all the specializations/segregation of this world (our individual worlds!).  but along the lines of a one-room school, it would also invite those whose not so definable problems made them "homeless", and now feeling left out just like 12 steppers felt left out until their problem brought them together.  to the degree that people can have feel like they have a problem, yet would go to a support group that emphasizes one mother problem (that through recognizing also means no problem), the movement might be self-motivating.  (maybe even enough hard core problems would be attracted enough to this to still provide the fear factor of the "bottom" for others!)  the form of the 12 steps maybe could still be used for continuity, with a rewording for familiarity yet new evolution.  Foremost would be the return of the individual/self as THE expression of its own higher power (and whatever caveat that the expression is always defined by the Self that it is beyond form).  perhaps the 1st step would be "came to recognize that the hypnosis of experiencing self as separate had turned into too much suffering".

an emphasis of the new format would be facilitating how recognizing a problem provided its solution..  right now i'm thinking there's a problem that i can't even come up with a simple illustration of this.  everything i've been writing has come easily and feels sensible to me.  how come there's a fear of coming to a dead end here (and so even the suggestion that all before is bull shit)?  well, a pre-eminent rule is that putting attention on something, especially as a problem, is what CAUSES the problem.  so ill use "faith" right now that a sense of struggle means to "put aside", not "double-down" on struggle.  i'll return tomorrow as flow brings me back to it.

Free to be free, and not to be mesmerized by choices

This is the "experience" of Free.  Free to choose anywhere anytime I AM free.  The rest of the where and when is JUST the contrast.  But it was all freely chosen, even the limits the contrast was allowed to go to.  I AM is where the buck stops, or gets spent.  I freely create an "I AM" so it inherently has the freedom to allow Itself, which at its level gets the real juice of freedom to say no.  God Itself wouldn't experience this contrast of freedom except through creating I AMs this way.  Suffering IS the contrast.  Free to go to that extent and free to decide that's far enough on the contrast level!  And then the turning around - or lessening of that contrast.  Even that is part of the free choice, although seemingly from outside time.  Having chosen the "no" path for contrast, a no to one's own Identity, the "yes" path now seems to be against the very experience of the freedom to say no (and so declaring that no to be a separate personal yes!).  This would just be part of the package deal once the time package is finishing up (or from outside time, and also known as NOW!).

Time itself can only reflect (or maybe bastardize!) this freedom.  Real freedom to remember true nature and its absolute freedom of what to due with the Awareness it is, within a "sleeping" character, must project its freedom into the illusory "choice", which projection is the making of "past".  I could of/woulda/shoulda pretend at "free" thinking, of course only now by deluding one step further - by projecting THAT into a "future".  As "bad" as the contrast gets, its just a doubling down on this mechanism to keep a separate character story going instead of being the NOW I AM (which wouldn't erase the story, except to recognize it is a STORY).  And the energy invested in that story has a LOT of momentum to even thwart this dawning recognition (not respecting the dream is to deny one's own power that is making it!).

My free will in the dream IS to realize I AM dreaming.  That the consciousness I have always been IS free (right now) and so can not be the non-peace and faux choices that are demonstrably just gimmicks - though have seemed like Reality.  The "threat" of claustrophobia is a perturbing one, that I am confined to now, and only One (and that it was sane to try to have "escaped" It).  Funny, it's just a Santa Claus of phobias though!  Freedom to Be All that I AM now "should" be quite an enlivening "contrast".  The caveat makes sense too though, that initial freedom from constriction can bring its own fear.  And maybe backing up and noticing THAT is my freedom becoming more free.

Finally, back to the inspiration this came from.  Roger Castillo dovely verbalizing how "my" feeling of what I want IS God's Will expressing Itself, both the "what" and its freeness ( i(t) still has the freedom to "nix" it!).  THIS IS God - BE It!  One Will, "becoming" one in the human experience.

Nick's Alchemy & Addiction (up to Zombie's, p12)

a sub-personality moment.  reading with overall amazement, and some disconcert at all the insight, understanding, etc and knowing that i meet him at a later point still troubled.  this comes to a crescendo for me in the sentence "The more one can get to know a sub-personality - on their own or with the guidance of hypnotherapy - the easier it is to notice when it tries to make an appearance."  AS i read I realize this sense i've been having is probably a sub-personality itself..  That if others experience such difficulty and failure - that on top of this others seem way more qualified than i - what point is there in me trying.  This is, I started to recognize recently, in the realm of religion,- almost simultaneously seeing it as a collective (archetype?).  In all the history of spiritual endeavor look at HOW MUCH has seemingly come to naught.  This easily becomes anger and ridicule at religion instead of dealing with personal sense/feeling of inadequacy, both because of others' keeping that question on the table AND the betrayal of them selling out and becoming zombie's in spiritual robes.  When I realized that Buddha was saying that the ONE "I am" was realizing it was that in its formerly dreamy sense of separate location, I also saw worshiping "other" was the other side of the coin for the despair of  "others can't do it so this is too hard".  Both keep Me asleep.  Since of course there's an endless continuum and recombining of these to tritrate with (anger/ridicule from either pole at the other pole just being within this one dynamic).  From this realization (coming off Fred's similar in his new intro on his homepage), there is a new awe at the ability of awakeness to find a way to turn every loving "mechanism" of self-awareness and USE that same to put Itself  back to sleep.  Jesus' sharing of "the kingdom of God is within, and at (your own) hand" becomes an immense religion mostly pointed away from Self!  And Escher-like, I can either fall into "OMG look how even harder that proves things to be" or "wow, i see the simplicity - FROM I AM - how tragi/comic playing at not I AM can become.

Now for further crescendo!  I'm having this sort of epiphany, considering making note of it but deciding I just want to read some more, and if i stopped all the time - well, look how much time i've spent here and if i stopped all the time where would i get!  Nick's next sentence though is "Today before Clever Trevor leads me down this primrose path, I recognize what he's up to and stops him in his tracks."  Talk about stopping me in MY tracks!  So I take the suggestion, and derail!  To give attention to this depre ssive sub-personality that sees and self-proves (without seeing that!) the enormous worthlessness of it ALL as well then in every thing.  I'm not as good as Nick (tongue in cheek there) at recognizing much less naming.  I'll always remember when I did come up with Recriminator for the critical one of anything done, usually even seeming like the only motivator to be able to change to another thing to do!  This came during time of therapy with Felicity, which is great marriage partner name for Recriminator!  So this new sub-personality's name hasn't percolated up yet.  I FEEL the "I'm not good enough; I don't know whether to force it; i'm critical of the premise to just let it go for now, that's an excuse".  I DO choose Ease though.  I forgive that "hard" was imposed on me, and choose the ease of seeing how easy THAT is!