a sub-personality moment. reading with overall amazement, and some disconcert at all the insight, understanding, etc and knowing that i meet him at a later point still troubled. this comes to a crescendo for me in the sentence "The more one can get to know a sub-personality - on their own or with the guidance of hypnotherapy - the easier it is to notice when it tries to make an appearance." AS i read I realize this sense i've been having is probably a sub-personality itself.. That if others experience such difficulty and failure - that on top of this others seem way more qualified than i - what point is there in me trying. This is, I started to recognize recently, in the realm of religion,- almost simultaneously seeing it as a collective (archetype?). In all the history of spiritual endeavor look at HOW MUCH has seemingly come to naught. This easily becomes anger and ridicule at religion instead of dealing with personal sense/feeling of inadequacy, both because of others' keeping that question on the table AND the betrayal of them selling out and becoming zombie's in spiritual robes. When I realized that Buddha was saying that the ONE "I am" was realizing it was that in its formerly dreamy sense of separate location, I also saw worshiping "other" was the other side of the coin for the despair of "others can't do it so this is too hard". Both keep Me asleep. Since of course there's an endless continuum and recombining of these to tritrate with (anger/ridicule from either pole at the other pole just being within this one dynamic). From this realization (coming off Fred's similar in his new intro on his homepage), there is a new awe at the ability of awakeness to find a way to turn every loving "mechanism" of self-awareness and USE that same to put Itself back to sleep. Jesus' sharing of "the kingdom of God is within, and at (your own) hand" becomes an immense religion mostly pointed away from Self! And Escher-like, I can either fall into "OMG look how even harder that proves things to be" or "wow, i see the simplicity - FROM I AM - how tragi/comic playing at not I AM can become.
Now for further crescendo! I'm having this sort of epiphany, considering making note of it but deciding I just want to read some more, and if i stopped all the time - well, look how much time i've spent here and if i stopped all the time where would i get! Nick's next sentence though is "Today before Clever Trevor leads me down this primrose path, I recognize what he's up to and stops him in his tracks." Talk about stopping me in MY tracks! So I take the suggestion, and derail! To give attention to this depre ssive sub-personality that sees and self-proves (without seeing that!) the enormous worthlessness of it ALL as well then in every thing. I'm not as good as Nick (tongue in cheek there) at recognizing much less naming. I'll always remember when I did come up with Recriminator for the critical one of anything done, usually even seeming like the only motivator to be able to change to another thing to do! This came during time of therapy with Felicity, which is great marriage partner name for Recriminator! So this new sub-personality's name hasn't percolated up yet. I FEEL the "I'm not good enough; I don't know whether to force it; i'm critical of the premise to just let it go for now, that's an excuse". I DO choose Ease though. I forgive that "hard" was imposed on me, and choose the ease of seeing how easy THAT is!
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