Gotta write, to get out of self, that it won't work, so I keep busy writing!  But maybe it's an adept busy-ness from knowledge of self as opposed to self-knowledge.  Like using higher power within seeing self would misuse it, and SO using it within that exquiste defeat that is actually HP's having enough of "that" self.  I hate to address the "why"ning of not just doing what's adept.  Why does it seem worthless, which is actually just stuck in the self-fulfillin prophecy?  Of course there's the metaphysical worthlessness that it comes out of, and from the self-perspective just having to act-as-though (no matter how much and how long at failing it has to refer to).  And there's the Whole/Quantum abstract lifestyle change that IS that, not just the elements that are part of close-enough ... actually isn't.  I could just now notice rebeling at, not only is just finishing this writing portion not going to let me have a laurel to have completed, but I have the 30 minutes of meditation, which of course even that won't be the end, ... .  That's what I gotta write ... out.  Not that it's enough, but just about it.  Getting to watch tv, go to bed, take a substance are the big nemesises that somehow are given the meaning of sufficient stand-ins; yet they're so obviously not.  Even writing, which for someone else maybe would be that for them, because really I'm laying down, I don't have to edit or write anything in partiular, and in some right now I could see at as requiring LESS of me than trying to pay attention to tv.  And there's less opportunity to dwell on life not being worthwhile or not liking Gregg, or even "I can't even journal, what's the point, there isn't that's the point but I still can't follow through because that's what makes it adept."  BUT I can write it "out", really face it maybe instead of thinking I do ... which actually isn't.  The 30 minutes is ending.  Funny, honoring the self's complaint of none of this will be enough and never worthwhile, by sticking to a time limit.  But noticing how the idea that honoring it is what is allowing this to happen is false from both it being dissatisfied anyway and it has to go on anyway ... right now to meditation!