Only 2 parts of 4 "finished"!  Hoping the kratom causes more fun soon.  Interesting in meditation to relate more believably to how the placebo of higher power could/"would" be just more direct, be more conducive to shorter time and more expansive - "any" - possibilites.  Then the draw-back of the self-definition that's says it can't face the abandonment of hope where it was placed before, that if "i" were so wrong how could i be capable/deserve that which it is made not of afterall!  I like the idea now of "honoring" lol that aspect by adding how it's belief in those other (in their yet continuing!) IS the placebo belief, seeing a benefit in that as compared to the stricter failure attitude in on going forms of hope.  And funny how there's hope in the dictate of failure, but a sadomasochistic back and forth of hope in the failure but it's too painful, creating need for hope, ... .  Checking time, checking in on where's the happy lift from kratom!

Time out to consider asking/listening.  What is The Will, "for" "me"?  What are the desires and decisions that can be enjoyed for their "future prophecy", because it's just a cluing in to what's happening, and that providing a happier experience of desires and decisions for a while?  Given I guess when not knowing is fine in and of itself.  So just now petted my thumb, now into the breath - and alternating finger pads pressing on and into the keypads.  About 5 more minutes.  Oh, I can go ahead and have some tea/coke!

And thinking ahead too to the psyilocibin.  Journaling and the rest of the quantum change well under way AHEAD of relying on that, well notice that hope in feeling good about myself to cause some finally final achieved "for good" (meaning over yet in the future now!).  Okay, "time" is up!