the immense number of possible states out of a moment weighs me down in the futile attempt to eke out one tiny rivulet (not even the (land) state" that rivulet has to be joined to others to finish describing the state). that sentence was so hard and took so much time. not to mention the physical depression heaviness of confusion that can't keep track of where i was going with that rivulet.
just the suggestion to be aware of a feeling or a thought - for the sake of even just remembering it much less writing about it or feeling compassion for it - causes the anxiety of inadequacy. one causes a multitude within half moments and each of course can have its tree.
i just want to stare at the bright white of my laptop screen. i heard a little noise - is that the cat; just something tinkling outside; related to the knocking sound that perplexes me and puts me in a state of ambiguity of anxiety for the mountainous repair and care taking elements of the house combining with the practice of this moment is safe and trusting myself and life and that is the belief that manages the cares to come best.
got that one little thing out. at best it seems some times getting going on a rivulet helps to forget that my main problem is of feeling that this one rivulet was started to weave in with the other rivulets to paint the holistic scape (state), but now i'm down rivulet linearly and ... well, now i'm blank.
and good, that at least ties back to the nice white computer screen! and this all took so much time! but that's a thought to let atrophy, because i'll spend my time on the Moment, feeling it (not each, there's only One) safe - and what's most important to me right now is what i do. it's a waste to think in terms of "took too much time"!
i'd rather spend this moment starting at the bright white light again!
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