itches (the noun) again. that seemingly elusive, and now probably just beyond language, understanding of why i don't need/want to scratch an itch. Knowing i am not a body why would i want to scratch. i have already experienced any degree of itchiness (the crescendo of "unrelated" feelings) FROM believing i am the body. when i wonder if i'm really identified with a body, well itchiness makes it loud and clear!
(news flash. i'm TYPING because i think i'm a body, no? oh, another news flash? - it's like the itch. i'm having an itch to journal this. but that analogy seems to show i am now scratching it. could be. more like, then, i am giving MORE attention to the itch to transcend it. how bout that itch to UNDERSTAND and see that everything fits!)
began to just realize that the practices i've made of not scratching that have confirmed for me that the itch would/will subside and even could/will become "just" an itch (the itchiness vanishes - just like all the ness's do anyway in "time"! ---- these practices are actually something of an improved way TO scratch instead OF scratching.
the confidence from experience is now a better "scratch". but there's the rub: the rational hijacking of this now to use it TO scratch (for the itch of rationality itself really, but that just confuses rationality).
happier dreams, as both promise and warning. happier "me" in dreams, not so much happier dreams. the use IS i turn more and more to ME, the temptation is step off the escalator at the happy floor.
Monday, February 23, 2015
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
stay tuned .. :)
dimensions of obsession, meaning that occurrences mesmerize me in their time frames. the latest big one was yelling at Gregg at Bed/Bath. this has been eating at me for a couple of weeks. just now eating without the TV, and savoring the bites, i noticed the relapse into thinking provided that opportunity for mesmerization. instead of a "thoughtless" return to savoring, i was captivated by the why, how i could do it yet again, why bother trying, am i sincere when trying if i fail so much, etc.
i'm not sure it was all these, but these are the standards i had no problem coming up with just now. i actually noticed (maybe thought again!) what i'm describing now. i was about to go longer into the above detours, when i decided it WAS just mesmerization.
actually, what i'm just thinking is that FAILURE is the mesmerizing concept. i failed in not being angry (to honor, to be loving, to apply ACIM, ...) and of course that is a large dimension, lasting weeks to obsess on. failing to be mindful are eddies the dimension of minutes.
and guilt of course is probably the real mesmerizer. what is failure except the accusation by guilt, and lets not forget which sets it up too. talk about a mesmerizing circle!
so how about traversing time without so many black holes! all that presence! all those breaths! (like breathing so only to exhale while savoring what i chew) just not the black holes!
so what about all the over eating, TV, depression (oh woe is me mezmer?) et al? those are "big" mezmers. but in the end there's just that one mezmer - not being in the moment (ie guilt). just worrying about "big mezmers" is an anxious projection of my future behavior. and will i do without THAT black hole?! stay tuned ... :)
i'm not sure it was all these, but these are the standards i had no problem coming up with just now. i actually noticed (maybe thought again!) what i'm describing now. i was about to go longer into the above detours, when i decided it WAS just mesmerization.
actually, what i'm just thinking is that FAILURE is the mesmerizing concept. i failed in not being angry (to honor, to be loving, to apply ACIM, ...) and of course that is a large dimension, lasting weeks to obsess on. failing to be mindful are eddies the dimension of minutes.
and guilt of course is probably the real mesmerizer. what is failure except the accusation by guilt, and lets not forget which sets it up too. talk about a mesmerizing circle!
so how about traversing time without so many black holes! all that presence! all those breaths! (like breathing so only to exhale while savoring what i chew) just not the black holes!
so what about all the over eating, TV, depression (oh woe is me mezmer?) et al? those are "big" mezmers. but in the end there's just that one mezmer - not being in the moment (ie guilt). just worrying about "big mezmers" is an anxious projection of my future behavior. and will i do without THAT black hole?! stay tuned ... :)
Thursday, February 5, 2015
imagine that!
imagine ... the breathing that would be with NO mental projections forward or backward. the fear inherent in the assumed need to control by imaging the future or "using" the past, not just anxiously so but even the "happier" visits to these places.
this reminds me, because it ties in with, of ACIM reading of expecting only Truth in a fellow. this contrasted with Joy's earlier comment of not setting up expectations because then she couldn't be let down. so it's the abstract Truth we can expect, not any particular form, and THEN we will never be let down because we are living in confidence. instead of unconsciously noticing and confirming how people are wrong (projecting our own attacking head space out), we instead live with the attitude that others are right. that's the story i can live now instead of rehearsing the past.
there's the tie in. the above is just another variant of believing the story that the past is real. there's no way to get out of these dead ends that any mesmerizing form of past will lead to and away from the ruse that "past" is real.
wanting to lay in bed and take pleasure in the mulching design that is turning out so nicely. resisting that relapse and the gone for now "how can i not think of other things". what is now without a thought of what it is? which would always be part of the thread of some story. for that matter, what is acceptance? there's different stories that can be carved out of a whole from which many perspectives can be stepped into. I can accept THAT!
now that's a whole 'nother of the same thing!
this reminds me, because it ties in with, of ACIM reading of expecting only Truth in a fellow. this contrasted with Joy's earlier comment of not setting up expectations because then she couldn't be let down. so it's the abstract Truth we can expect, not any particular form, and THEN we will never be let down because we are living in confidence. instead of unconsciously noticing and confirming how people are wrong (projecting our own attacking head space out), we instead live with the attitude that others are right. that's the story i can live now instead of rehearsing the past.
there's the tie in. the above is just another variant of believing the story that the past is real. there's no way to get out of these dead ends that any mesmerizing form of past will lead to and away from the ruse that "past" is real.
wanting to lay in bed and take pleasure in the mulching design that is turning out so nicely. resisting that relapse and the gone for now "how can i not think of other things". what is now without a thought of what it is? which would always be part of the thread of some story. for that matter, what is acceptance? there's different stories that can be carved out of a whole from which many perspectives can be stepped into. I can accept THAT!
now that's a whole 'nother of the same thing!
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