did a little pen to paper. shoulding still predominant though. at first surprised at the synchronicity of opening "beyond recovery" to Fred's repetition of the necessity to put pen to paper. and glad that here it was to just put one pattern on paper. but then the self-accusations of hijacking it by sticking to the "one item" when it was the pen to paper (for a more "thorough" inventory) that was meant for me.
how do we hear what we're telling ourselves through the cacophony of conflicting messages? i ask that, now i listen, and i merely follow.
beneficence. good news. teaching only that love. now is IAM.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
still meandering
... (is that enough for today?!)
if i had to call Leslie now ________
let me go back to "i ask and i follow". i am. i am awake. i need do nothing. i ask, what ways am i not aligned with the truth of that. of course after Nick i tempted myself with my flight and shutting down mechanisms. do i focus on not shoulding myself about those (actually notice, what, that my energy drop was a shoulding drop already about those, but that in considering that may be the case i didn't droop as much as i'm guessing might otherwise be?). as for Nick, well, there's my same communication resentment that his sights were set on. so i ask for more clarity about that. and Nick himself? - not being totally at peace how do i separate him from that resentment. i'll state "i forgive myself for communicating things or in patterns that didn't share i and you are love." i seek a future different than the past so i forgive the apprehension of "happened again so will happen again".
still "planning" to stuff myself and find the squashing of demeaned muscle
if i had to call Leslie now ________
let me go back to "i ask and i follow". i am. i am awake. i need do nothing. i ask, what ways am i not aligned with the truth of that. of course after Nick i tempted myself with my flight and shutting down mechanisms. do i focus on not shoulding myself about those (actually notice, what, that my energy drop was a shoulding drop already about those, but that in considering that may be the case i didn't droop as much as i'm guessing might otherwise be?). as for Nick, well, there's my same communication resentment that his sights were set on. so i ask for more clarity about that. and Nick himself? - not being totally at peace how do i separate him from that resentment. i'll state "i forgive myself for communicating things or in patterns that didn't share i and you are love." i seek a future different than the past so i forgive the apprehension of "happened again so will happen again".
still "planning" to stuff myself and find the squashing of demeaned muscle
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
sobriety/abstaining as MODEL of not accepting temptation
(10/2/14 but said "draft" so published now)
the significance: not denying, resisting but saying no (to an outside tempter) to what has no appeal. while not conscious that the temptation is coming from without, the primary temptation is to KEEP wanting that sense of self: to harbor something foreign because another self is wanted. accepting any foreign self ,by that very act, can't help but only give you the cake and then leave you wanting the cake when Sisyphus has eaten it.
why would i want to steal something little, when i can create (it, but obviously way more anyway since I know I create).
the significance: not denying, resisting but saying no (to an outside tempter) to what has no appeal. while not conscious that the temptation is coming from without, the primary temptation is to KEEP wanting that sense of self: to harbor something foreign because another self is wanted. accepting any foreign self ,by that very act, can't help but only give you the cake and then leave you wanting the cake when Sisyphus has eaten it.
why would i want to steal something little, when i can create (it, but obviously way more anyway since I know I create).
self image, anger, ... admit first pairing - like alcholism
(draft wasn't published, so this was written before "next" post)
It's been hard to "want" to do a 4th step about Jody incident. I've got to do this first - first things first. I obviously have anger, and obviously it is even rage. But I can't be starting with the Jody rage incident, even though the 4th step would (although it is being used to precipitate this and preceding inner focus).
By the way, I am not a body, I am free, I as still as God created me. There is no peace except the Peace of God, and for that I am thankful. And I remember to ask for help, and give this writing to spirit, my One Infinite/Intimate Self. I need only concern myself with my willingness and the ability of my spirit Amness.
My self image doesn't consider anger good - for its image! Yet i minimize it with contempt and dislike instead. The anger is like trying to manage drinking, and the rage a binge. Of course, I'm back at me not being a loving person. I guess that's the self image that crops up when I wonder at all why I'm angry, or can't do acceptance of anger, or be a person who is comfortable in their anger. Yet this age old realization, or all the on going "work", ACIM, meditation, etc hasn't uprooted or pruned it away (enough, according to my self image).
That last parenthesis reminds me of the pride disclosure I made of my self image at the AA meeting. The sense that I should be good enough at all this, but really just the pride of looking like i'm all that. Originally as a good person that would obviously nice, and then the rage that comes from the conflict of "not" being so because of my ubiquitous anger. Then work at spirituality and the self expectation of how that should manifest, first in my eyes (seemingly), but then as a remedial for how i hope i can look to others (even retro - as in look how good and wounded he was that he had to resort to all this work, and how actually holy cause see how he turned it around, and so special that he could make all THAT into something special now).
It's been hard to "want" to do a 4th step about Jody incident. I've got to do this first - first things first. I obviously have anger, and obviously it is even rage. But I can't be starting with the Jody rage incident, even though the 4th step would (although it is being used to precipitate this and preceding inner focus).
By the way, I am not a body, I am free, I as still as God created me. There is no peace except the Peace of God, and for that I am thankful. And I remember to ask for help, and give this writing to spirit, my One Infinite/Intimate Self. I need only concern myself with my willingness and the ability of my spirit Amness.
My self image doesn't consider anger good - for its image! Yet i minimize it with contempt and dislike instead. The anger is like trying to manage drinking, and the rage a binge. Of course, I'm back at me not being a loving person. I guess that's the self image that crops up when I wonder at all why I'm angry, or can't do acceptance of anger, or be a person who is comfortable in their anger. Yet this age old realization, or all the on going "work", ACIM, meditation, etc hasn't uprooted or pruned it away (enough, according to my self image).
That last parenthesis reminds me of the pride disclosure I made of my self image at the AA meeting. The sense that I should be good enough at all this, but really just the pride of looking like i'm all that. Originally as a good person that would obviously nice, and then the rage that comes from the conflict of "not" being so because of my ubiquitous anger. Then work at spirituality and the self expectation of how that should manifest, first in my eyes (seemingly), but then as a remedial for how i hope i can look to others (even retro - as in look how good and wounded he was that he had to resort to all this work, and how actually holy cause see how he turned it around, and so special that he could make all THAT into something special now).
asking and willingness
i ask and i follow what is answered. the i consciously writing this is the effect of I that is source of its and m"i" experience. this is starting freehand because i'm experimenting with the latter concept to uncork the bottleneck between the heavy should and spontaneous creativity. the "pen to paper" instruction (especially of resentments) versus writing whatever i want (or really not at all! - so versus not doing any at all: journaling, essays following branches of thoughts poking through my mind, desires!, organizing (listing some items of possible pursuit, scheduling activities, categorizing all these to de-clutter!) to offer efficiency, recording quotes, short occurrences like "change the bee!", ...
one idea, even different than above, is an invented addressing of Leslie for the psyk interview. as well then, other people i might address like Fred, or even Jody (maybe that would be my lead in to then doing resentment work).
So as the last parenthetical cycled me back, this is what i ask, and which answer i am willing to follow. for now i imagine sitting down to this quite frequently, but taking it easy because it's my simple willingness i focus on. that's a lead in to an essay on how the sense of effort is suborned to that (and trust, Presence, etc. and back to a theme that started this: uncorking. now of the bottleneck between "simple" willingness and the place or perception of effort.
was all this "effort" simple willingness and part of "asking"? (sure wasn't a short amount of time!) i'm not going to meditate right now!, as was before my best guess "should" because it was supposed to be ("obviously" was) willingness And listening!
so sustaining source which gives awakeness to this experience of i am, what say "you"?
one idea, even different than above, is an invented addressing of Leslie for the psyk interview. as well then, other people i might address like Fred, or even Jody (maybe that would be my lead in to then doing resentment work).
So as the last parenthetical cycled me back, this is what i ask, and which answer i am willing to follow. for now i imagine sitting down to this quite frequently, but taking it easy because it's my simple willingness i focus on. that's a lead in to an essay on how the sense of effort is suborned to that (and trust, Presence, etc. and back to a theme that started this: uncorking. now of the bottleneck between "simple" willingness and the place or perception of effort.
was all this "effort" simple willingness and part of "asking"? (sure wasn't a short amount of time!) i'm not going to meditate right now!, as was before my best guess "should" because it was supposed to be ("obviously" was) willingness And listening!
so sustaining source which gives awakeness to this experience of i am, what say "you"?
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