So persistent the "getting myself to do", the separate things good for me that our anchoring by that notion, instead of not considered not enjoyable like tv watching or showering or eating or going to bed.  Like sleeping too much or watching tv beyond its due, I'm sure some could have an aversion to those in the same way, and physical activity and purposeful relaxing (e.g. meditating) would be liked/chosen or even "overdone" in avoiding sleeping, downtime (tv watching).  

Then there's the idea of succeeding, especially "not" but just being in peace, and no on going failure of not liking what i'm doing or going to have to do, and i'm at least sleeping or watching tv because the rewards for doing good are there to be had without doing that good, so the unappeal of doing that good is reinforced because if they're "for" the rewards why do them then?  

I wonder if I could do a feelings journaling, specifically that ties to ascertaining if some attempted change will produce desirable effects.  Talk about set up for failure!  Right now, rate my happiness level:  ok 4.  Do I know the difference between happy and confidently special?  Walking today I felt like "specially inadequate" was signifcant.  Then how believing in sacrifice applies, maybe even more apprehensibly, in letting go of the negative, because you can't loose what isn't even desirable (but of course unconsiously maintained as externally convicted of it, even if you're trying to psychologically own it but the facts of psychology are what you have not control over!).

Emilia is crying to go out.  Uh, not wanting to, the I'm supposed to again inserting ahead, when without that habituated thought, when ready I just would have enjoyed taking her out, just like a tv show I wouldn't be averting ahead of time if it popped in mind.  Wow 30 minutes up already.  This does go remarkably fast than the "ugh" reaction forsees.

 Only 2 parts of 4 "finished"!  Hoping the kratom causes more fun soon.  Interesting in meditation to relate more believably to how the placebo of higher power could/"would" be just more direct, be more conducive to shorter time and more expansive - "any" - possibilites.  Then the draw-back of the self-definition that's says it can't face the abandonment of hope where it was placed before, that if "i" were so wrong how could i be capable/deserve that which it is made not of afterall!  I like the idea now of "honoring" lol that aspect by adding how it's belief in those other (in their yet continuing!) IS the placebo belief, seeing a benefit in that as compared to the stricter failure attitude in on going forms of hope.  And funny how there's hope in the dictate of failure, but a sadomasochistic back and forth of hope in the failure but it's too painful, creating need for hope, ... .  Checking time, checking in on where's the happy lift from kratom!

Time out to consider asking/listening.  What is The Will, "for" "me"?  What are the desires and decisions that can be enjoyed for their "future prophecy", because it's just a cluing in to what's happening, and that providing a happier experience of desires and decisions for a while?  Given I guess when not knowing is fine in and of itself.  So just now petted my thumb, now into the breath - and alternating finger pads pressing on and into the keypads.  About 5 more minutes.  Oh, I can go ahead and have some tea/coke!

And thinking ahead too to the psyilocibin.  Journaling and the rest of the quantum change well under way AHEAD of relying on that, well notice that hope in feeling good about myself to cause some finally final achieved "for good" (meaning over yet in the future now!).  Okay, "time" is up!

 Gotta write, to get out of self, that it won't work, so I keep busy writing!  But maybe it's an adept busy-ness from knowledge of self as opposed to self-knowledge.  Like using higher power within seeing self would misuse it, and SO using it within that exquiste defeat that is actually HP's having enough of "that" self.  I hate to address the "why"ning of not just doing what's adept.  Why does it seem worthless, which is actually just stuck in the self-fulfillin prophecy?  Of course there's the metaphysical worthlessness that it comes out of, and from the self-perspective just having to act-as-though (no matter how much and how long at failing it has to refer to).  And there's the Whole/Quantum abstract lifestyle change that IS that, not just the elements that are part of close-enough ... actually isn't.  I could just now notice rebeling at, not only is just finishing this writing portion not going to let me have a laurel to have completed, but I have the 30 minutes of meditation, which of course even that won't be the end, ... .  That's what I gotta write ... out.  Not that it's enough, but just about it.  Getting to watch tv, go to bed, take a substance are the big nemesises that somehow are given the meaning of sufficient stand-ins; yet they're so obviously not.  Even writing, which for someone else maybe would be that for them, because really I'm laying down, I don't have to edit or write anything in partiular, and in some right now I could see at as requiring LESS of me than trying to pay attention to tv.  And there's less opportunity to dwell on life not being worthwhile or not liking Gregg, or even "I can't even journal, what's the point, there isn't that's the point but I still can't follow through because that's what makes it adept."  BUT I can write it "out", really face it maybe instead of thinking I do ... which actually isn't.  The 30 minutes is ending.  Funny, honoring the self's complaint of none of this will be enough and never worthwhile, by sticking to a time limit.  But noticing how the idea that honoring it is what is allowing this to happen is false from both it being dissatisfied anyway and it has to go on anyway ... right now to meditation!

 Frozen, to write or not to write, starting or not with the "why", behind "why" or forwads's.  The bing bang of all these the reality, yet this particular rivulet.  In the rivulet of meditation, I contemplated the forward "whys" of "to feel better/good/right".  Imagined behind "whys" would be the healing of consciousness, settling in one/One mind, framing in on Infinite having this particular and not the dukha of "so much" the me treadmills AS the Infinite unaware of Its placement.  Framing in on what? - the feel of fingers - typing - the idea/curiosity of fingers and keys made only in their relationship and "their" feel the prime reality.  Again, what is the Infinite facing?

So that took about 20 minutes to write.  The "why" of feeling better is wondering if there's a being convinced of (adept) ways to participate/occupy that produce a story of feeling better, while evaporating that story because there is a convinciton here that "feeling better" (future) is essentially untenable, but it's best/worst idea of not attempting betterment through its "knowing" of that intenability, gives it a long term story of dysthymia! (yet appreicates the worse possibities not travelled, from having come to "self can't get out of self).

So the idea is "occupy" 2 hours a day, split between writing and meditating.  Writing I imagine to let discontent "act" out, and meditating to stay with and honor its forms - "facing" them.  And the psylocybin is on the way, more occupying to be sufficiently adept, like some physical activity will likely want to be included.  For today, over an hour, tomorrow the two.