Bouncy earlier today

manic except i am more "now is safe" oriented.  manic i think is still future oriented, but thinks that future is imminent.  therefore there is that extra confidence and enthusiasm because that safe (good) moment is about to fruit instead of darkly distant.  there's the multiplicity too because they can now rush at you, as the extra energy can see all the possibilities as each one rushes into the "near" future.

but it still is about Now not being safe.  and there's the burnout because of the constant propulsion into that near future.  i kept reminding myself of this after it occurred to me because of the allure of some greater promise getting fullfilled soon.

part of it is the "getting done" treadmill.  the promise is that getting "done" is good.  maybe each accomplishing represents the final "getting done" where the Final state is finally achieved - It has arrived!  it occurred too that a much deeper enjoyment of accomplishment comes with knowing all "already" is accomplished.  there's no separation in time, and all before that instant of awareness in all the universe has accomplished itself.  and all after as well just as all the future accomplished itself after any arbitrarily chosen "past" point.

bouncing is still (?)tempting me.  i wanted to be able to record the rapidly occuring understandings presenting earlier when i was leafing.  i rehearsed, or tried to retain them, as time passed.

wrongness.  choosing guilt versus practicing Trust.  moment versus current.  thinking as control and as a form of not Trusting.  ... Like just now remembering Trust and sensing relief.  Understanding presenting itself in sensible (sensuous) thoughts when in Trust instead of the weary train of thinking trying to make understanding happen.

problem with "Be in the Moment" doesn't explain how to be in Flow.  Accepting what Is doesn't address how to move onto the next moment and accept what Is then while "taking time out" to accept what is now what just Was.  part of the Moment is a vector.  that can't be surfed with too static a concept of the Moment.  writing or talking are perfect referents.  the single word, syllable or sound, isn't stayed present too.  if i'm "making a sandwich",  am i cutting the bread now, am i sliding the knife down, am i moving the knife a cm (or less), am i breathing if my grounding practice comes to mind, ...

...  intent.  interruption.  how does intent get handled (as the intent gets thought into existence, initally and as it reoccurs as possiblity, reinforced in attempt, reevaluated, etc).  meditation is an intent.  if thoughts are more dispelled in grounding practice, how does intent get held too?  such as the intention to dispell thoughts!  and to meditate.

interruption time!  was my intent fullfilled?!

nice bright white light ! (sounds nice too!)

the immense number of possible states out of a moment weighs me down in the futile attempt to eke out one tiny rivulet (not even the (land) state" that rivulet has to be joined to others to finish describing the state).  that sentence was so hard and took so much time.  not to mention the physical depression heaviness of confusion that can't keep track of where i was going with that rivulet.

just the suggestion to be aware of a feeling or a thought - for the sake of even just remembering it much less writing about it or feeling compassion for it - causes the anxiety of inadequacy.  one causes a multitude within half moments and each of course can have its tree.

i just want to stare at the bright white of my laptop screen.  i heard a little noise - is that the cat; just something tinkling outside; related to the knocking sound that perplexes me and puts me in a state of ambiguity of anxiety for the mountainous repair and care taking elements of the house combining with the practice of this moment is safe and trusting myself and life and that is the belief that manages the cares to come best.

got that one little thing out.  at best it seems some times getting going on a rivulet helps to forget that my main problem is of feeling that this one rivulet was started to weave in with the other rivulets to paint the holistic scape (state), but now i'm down rivulet linearly and ... well, now i'm blank.

and good, that at least ties back to the nice white computer screen!  and this all took so much time!  but that's a thought to let atrophy, because i'll spend my time on the Moment, feeling it (not each, there's only One) safe - and what's most important to me right now is what i do.  it's a waste to think in terms of "took too much time"!

i'd rather spend this moment starting at the bright white light again!

how weird am i?

(did this post?)

Reading Marc Lewis blog, how well he wrote triggered my audience question.  His talent extended to how well he replied to commenters.  Another category of audience, I then realized, would be one I anticipated responses from.  I thought of the One, that I the One am not just Marc authoring and commentor commenting on itself, but me not even recorded on that blog.  So Marc thinking he's writing, and having it "validated" by responses, but i am "equally" part of the One senario.  Since we are One, he must know even me, even without my interaction on that blog.  But he knows equally someone who I cross paths with that I may influence with the influence he had on me.  So how's that for an audience!  The infinite eternal itself!

Thank the One Peace for the undo button.  i just erased all the above, and was practicing the safety of each moment.  i just was going to let go for now and considered i might recreate the post tomorrow.  tried that back arrow button, and voila!

who is the receiver in writing, and can it be an act of giving?

whose the audience for this?  common specifics are:  me that rereads, anywhere from immediately to some other defined or not time; people i talk to in my head already;  to a person i imagine for things i'm working out that i have no one to converse with about;

real time issue:  irritation at not being heard.  Gregg walking downstairs and I ask where the pants he's handing down to me are.  a "what" followed by not processing and replying about what pants i'm giving him.  and then his exclaiming as he has to go get them, "surrenders" to my explanation that i'm asking now because i'll want to take them on my trip down.  me trying to be conscious of my irritation and simultaneously allowing it (real time compassion for myself and what wants and needs the irritation is coming out of), and wondering how the voiced (and facially felt) irritation is affected by trying to step a little "out of time" that this "conscious" attempt seems to be like.  and all this overlaid yet again with awareness of some attention concurrently about identity, the spiritual suggestions i'm reading over and over as well as just how i feel like a mean person, can't ever change this, how futile, mundane.  maybe that's all - there does have to be a limit!

Future moments are safe. Now is safe.

Propelling into the future is an offense, using the imagination to strategize.  The underlying assumption is that I have to be at war.  And that comes from projecting from NOW, which is uncomfortable BECAUSE I am on "edge", due to propelling much of my "prescence" away from me now to a future field.

So now is safe.  Now [:)] the future is safe!
The future is safe.  Ahhhh ... now I am safe now!

This blog I animated from wanting to breath devotion into this sense I was having.  I almost always have felt uncomfortable deciding to record my attempts at verbal expression into written form.  This time I had an inkling that the dicomfort stems a lot from this basic nervousness coming out of constant unsafeness.  How can I waste "this" time if it needs to be used to guard against time looming.  Just the control of writing -reconsidering a word, changing tac, loosing track, etc - is evidence of this unsafeness.  I'm out of tune a beat into the future imagining I'll be displeased at what I've just written, and that static interferes with flowing, being tuned in, being ON beat.

Somehow recording this to a web blog inspires me more (reference wordpress blog).  And the gift of a meditation practice I want to embellish more by having this place and time to dovetail with it.