delusion noticing delusion came from the delusion of "noticing"

talk about itch!  i kept half recognizing that i could be in noticing categories instead of trying to notice the constituents.  most surrendered to "thinking" intstead of its thoughts.  and of course that not so stable because that was just a thought that readily continued into "thinking" about it, "trying" to understand it.  kind of accepted next that it was "urge" or "desire" TO think, or for that matter to desire (to want to desire! - actually to desire and to ahhh have it filled, imageized for me by Star Trek Planet Video Game episdode).  That i could be in that urge.  Actually, could be in the consideration of freeze framing "urge" because rationally it seems urge is inter-defined with its object.  Yet urge is a category, and i get categories.  and yet, just as "ration" becomes tiresome, so does pursuing urge.

inspiration for entering today was getting a category of "sense of self".  (it feels though like it just slipped away)  itch; pain; thought; urge.  any of those to be noticed, but noticing already being a pulling away from a center.  or maybe more accurately the center having pointed out and is conscious of the reflection of the end of that ray first and then follows back along it.  almost like though each level itself becomes conscious, ie turns around to face the center (and interlaces with the proximal level).

anyway, can only sit with urge so long without "entertaing" it requiring the other end of the stick, the itch of that urge.  i guess the category of sense of self came from Fred's blog.  Basically, in noticing that someone else is in delusion, "who" is noticing THAT.  there could only be something pointing out to notice that.  that has been hard to get under, except just now getting that "noticing" an itch, pain, thought, etc is "noticing".  noticing a delusional person is just an itch.  and what wants to notice but a sense of self?

and maybe that sense of self turing around and pointing to the center is "giving its life" to it.  for this category to interlace now, it has to allow the it"s'elf" to be provided for by the center.  it can still have a sense as it evaporates center-wise along the ray.  instead of pointing out, now exhausted from so much pointing.

and so simplicity.  no providing for the future because there's no taking care of that future self because the sense of self is tired of pointing out to imagine a future self to maintain ITSELF.  let this sense right now be infused by a center, by inspiration, by peace, by no thing ness.  not that it can quite apprehend this, but it senses it can relate itself to what's center to it instead of what came out of it.

the famous Now

"famous Now", Robbin Hayman, awakeningclaritynow.com/robbin/

The character can be found in experience, but it is not located in reality. Experience is enough—it’s okay to enjoy experiences and take them relatively seriously, but ultimately only so seriously. Parents filling a stocking for a small child are taking Santa Claus seriously, but they don’t believe in Santa Claus. They have gone shopping beforehand; they are not waiting to hear reindeer on the roof.  Fred Davis, awakeningclaritynow.com/commitment/

Suffering is not our enemy. It’s actually our friend, because it’s the alarm clock in the dream. ... Suffering is the thing that helps us come to, and remain as, Conscious Awakeness.  Fred Davis, awakeningclaritynow.com/death/

Like everything else in the dream, it’s being done for us, not to us. It’s already handled.  Fred Davis, awakeningclaritynow.com/death/

doodling and temptation

wow, staying with focus, instead of entertaining the myriad directions that can continually branch off, is a supra mental significance.  Like earlier posts, it seems impossible to write about, since to capture the multitude and speed of examples that are the experience of "distraction" is impossible.  just one eg, then: that i was researching temptation, but the recall of Jesus doodling enticed(?) me.  i was wondering about going with the moment to choose doodling as the title versus wondering about staying with temptation, as a practice of focus.  ergo the two as title in honor of not being tempted by duality! and that is the focus here!

how do "writers" manage to tether the multiverse to one linear channel?  i don't even mean manage since the linear could never manage to extract itself from the plethora, but how do they feel the possibility, sense an importance, derive the satisfaction from producing one, much less not be distracted by the multiple lines (of temptation).  since only one line can pop up at a time (however quickly) it seems maybe not a temptation of the attraction of the other lines, but maybe the temptation then of distraction, and maybe the "nature of temptation" itself? ( that was the blend phrase i wanted to research - focus on! - and started with about an hour ago!).

i just remembered taking my antibiotic (after occurring to sip some liquid!).  the instantaneous (almost!) decision to follow through versus consider it a distraction ("i can keep focus and take the pill more appropriately on completing this).  just saying ... !

so, doodling.  isn't it all doodling?  i TRUST.  i am TRUST trusting its trusted.  does one focus when doodling?  that doodle has a linear manifestation as much as anything.  of course in duality we choose the different experiences of staying focused, a livelihood, a vision versus doodling, meditation, letting go.  even that choice seems weird because how would we consciously determine (deter mine ?!) which to pursue when or when to pursue which (how could one know even whether to start with which or when? !).

oh the doodling of focus!  but yet the seeming importance of focus (even though focus seems to have led me to take the not so far fetched leap of faith that there is only doodle).  however, not to discount i'm still on one yin or yang of duality.  the Great Doodle/Focus is likely no more accurate than the Great Focus/Doodle.  are their doodlers that eventually discover focus?

good thing i took that pill when i did!  but i feel like "I" "kept" a coherence here.  i guess just as well put:  i kept a "coherence".  i am going to reread this right now!

oh, and the sub-time of this.   the experiences and choices that this writing,refers can seem to be happening way fast, in seconds or even partial seconds, but since focus or doodle can't be chosen conciously, in a way choices are being made even faster.  to entertain this consciously maybe is the mental trying to dance with the supra mental.  and now i'll say i'm tired of dancing and am "going to sit down".  in the name of Trust, the trusted (Mike)

green light, red light

the mental state that is incapable of escaping the either/or outcome of a definitive enough event.  plus the aftermath of loosing the build up for the loosing outcome.  plus the frustration of having this syndrome.

if i'm going to get a red light i would enjoy the scenery.  if green i would enjoy the speed, and probably the feeling that things are going my way (that too seeming inescapable, since by habit and even metaphorically, green light can not but be to my favor).

futile attempts to "pretend" a red light is meant to be.  and to not notice that i liked getting a green light, which of course to late if i'm noticing that i'm getting a green light!

to notice all the above though, is now an example for this state.  i'm not just seeing a red light, a green light, or noticing my "fight" to avoid having my focus captured by the as of yet quantum! state.  this metaphorical "sight" seems more reassuring than the intermediate steps described above, like it's another sight in the scenery, more easily taken in like the other sights that are part of the scenery that i might choose to enjoy.

resting in awareness

can i write in as much as a sense of rest as i think i get from watching tv?  is it rest even, or the ineffable that resting is either a substitute or prerequisite for?  what about eating?  is that pleasure different than resting?  anyway, take away the expectation from what i'm going to write would i want to write?  i did want to "record" the concept of resting in now (that Scott Killoby initiated for me).  tired though.  tired.  tired. tired.  meditating too.  let tired be.  be tired.  close eyes for a while during "blogging".  is that "what" i'm doing "while" blogging.  thinking that i'm "writing" and not writing, closing my eyes, feeling tired (pressure pain in behind my face), lying in bed, stopping for a full breath, stopING ...

how about that, that i'm just aware.  that being aware-ing too.  so i'm resting in awareness AS i write.  pausing.  tired.  tired while writing "tired" or just aware that i'm "writing "tired''"?  low blood sugar hunger hole as well as pain behind face tired.

now is safe.  i don't have to worry about manipulating what else "needs" to happen down the line and how i have to manipulate these feelings "best" in order to manage down the line considerations.

battery already low.  just in time to head to AA.  don't have to worry about how tiredness impinges on interacting with Steve

honoring

Honoring the Skype questioner on Oprah's show who put it out there "how do i stay present when my ego tells me i'll loose my friends, career, etc."  that's the basic, how do i let go of not any one particular concept for myself, but ANY and ALL.  this is already gibberish in that it writes words about a non-conceptual realm.  adding a slap from the left to that slap from the right, is that presence fulfills more than any concept when of course the word presence is already a concept.  that one may have had the transcendent experience behind the word makes sense they aren't pressed by the question.  but to state this as self-evident to those who are in a state that they could be asking the question in the first place troubles me.

i partition (a large) percentage of the the time initiating future action.  ekhart/skyper inspired me to follow them up and my thoughts of this shared trouble with the skyper by writing this.  i wasn't totally "present" and only had the action inspiration when the show was done.  nor did i harmoniously realize i wanted to pause the show and seamlessly return to it when i was done writing.  i also initiated forceful thought/energy to commit and to follow through when the show ended.  included of course are alternatives the "force" was necessary to counter act:  too difficult (and it is); should call Gregg and appease (word popped up) kindness activity first; do the door that i had queued up for several days; need to eat my desert earlier than later.  talking about presence as though there's just one thought or feeling that can be noticed at a time is something i am at a loss about.  i just with difficulty wrote all this and with some resentment that something so self evident needs to be hashed out.

addendum.  i have had more thoughts about adding to "horizontal" living.  mostly physical phenomena, objects and motion.  as per above, too much noticing thoughts/emotions is already a train that's taken me perpendicularly to the present.  i do pray though to be in acceptance of all, and once again, what does that mean or look like?  here i am.  "done" with the activity that took a moment to conceive but reigned in "many" others to reconsider, persuade, anticpate.  and now "remembering" all that, writing presently about that (or typing? thinking? sitting?  hearing the mocking bird repeatedly - in between hitting keys, thoughts firing, or simultaneously?)

now is good, safe.  hesitations that this was ridiculous, needed to get to the other stuff, frustration that i can't get this stuff out better, good and safe to have them too, and when so realized fully then i suppose will be no more.  now.  safe.  good.  simplicity.  trust.  mocking bird ...

Bouncy earlier today

manic except i am more "now is safe" oriented.  manic i think is still future oriented, but thinks that future is imminent.  therefore there is that extra confidence and enthusiasm because that safe (good) moment is about to fruit instead of darkly distant.  there's the multiplicity too because they can now rush at you, as the extra energy can see all the possibilities as each one rushes into the "near" future.

but it still is about Now not being safe.  and there's the burnout because of the constant propulsion into that near future.  i kept reminding myself of this after it occurred to me because of the allure of some greater promise getting fullfilled soon.

part of it is the "getting done" treadmill.  the promise is that getting "done" is good.  maybe each accomplishing represents the final "getting done" where the Final state is finally achieved - It has arrived!  it occurred too that a much deeper enjoyment of accomplishment comes with knowing all "already" is accomplished.  there's no separation in time, and all before that instant of awareness in all the universe has accomplished itself.  and all after as well just as all the future accomplished itself after any arbitrarily chosen "past" point.

bouncing is still (?)tempting me.  i wanted to be able to record the rapidly occuring understandings presenting earlier when i was leafing.  i rehearsed, or tried to retain them, as time passed.

wrongness.  choosing guilt versus practicing Trust.  moment versus current.  thinking as control and as a form of not Trusting.  ... Like just now remembering Trust and sensing relief.  Understanding presenting itself in sensible (sensuous) thoughts when in Trust instead of the weary train of thinking trying to make understanding happen.

problem with "Be in the Moment" doesn't explain how to be in Flow.  Accepting what Is doesn't address how to move onto the next moment and accept what Is then while "taking time out" to accept what is now what just Was.  part of the Moment is a vector.  that can't be surfed with too static a concept of the Moment.  writing or talking are perfect referents.  the single word, syllable or sound, isn't stayed present too.  if i'm "making a sandwich",  am i cutting the bread now, am i sliding the knife down, am i moving the knife a cm (or less), am i breathing if my grounding practice comes to mind, ...

...  intent.  interruption.  how does intent get handled (as the intent gets thought into existence, initally and as it reoccurs as possiblity, reinforced in attempt, reevaluated, etc).  meditation is an intent.  if thoughts are more dispelled in grounding practice, how does intent get held too?  such as the intention to dispell thoughts!  and to meditate.

interruption time!  was my intent fullfilled?!

nice bright white light ! (sounds nice too!)

the immense number of possible states out of a moment weighs me down in the futile attempt to eke out one tiny rivulet (not even the (land) state" that rivulet has to be joined to others to finish describing the state).  that sentence was so hard and took so much time.  not to mention the physical depression heaviness of confusion that can't keep track of where i was going with that rivulet.

just the suggestion to be aware of a feeling or a thought - for the sake of even just remembering it much less writing about it or feeling compassion for it - causes the anxiety of inadequacy.  one causes a multitude within half moments and each of course can have its tree.

i just want to stare at the bright white of my laptop screen.  i heard a little noise - is that the cat; just something tinkling outside; related to the knocking sound that perplexes me and puts me in a state of ambiguity of anxiety for the mountainous repair and care taking elements of the house combining with the practice of this moment is safe and trusting myself and life and that is the belief that manages the cares to come best.

got that one little thing out.  at best it seems some times getting going on a rivulet helps to forget that my main problem is of feeling that this one rivulet was started to weave in with the other rivulets to paint the holistic scape (state), but now i'm down rivulet linearly and ... well, now i'm blank.

and good, that at least ties back to the nice white computer screen!  and this all took so much time!  but that's a thought to let atrophy, because i'll spend my time on the Moment, feeling it (not each, there's only One) safe - and what's most important to me right now is what i do.  it's a waste to think in terms of "took too much time"!

i'd rather spend this moment starting at the bright white light again!

how weird am i?

(did this post?)

Reading Marc Lewis blog, how well he wrote triggered my audience question.  His talent extended to how well he replied to commenters.  Another category of audience, I then realized, would be one I anticipated responses from.  I thought of the One, that I the One am not just Marc authoring and commentor commenting on itself, but me not even recorded on that blog.  So Marc thinking he's writing, and having it "validated" by responses, but i am "equally" part of the One senario.  Since we are One, he must know even me, even without my interaction on that blog.  But he knows equally someone who I cross paths with that I may influence with the influence he had on me.  So how's that for an audience!  The infinite eternal itself!

Thank the One Peace for the undo button.  i just erased all the above, and was practicing the safety of each moment.  i just was going to let go for now and considered i might recreate the post tomorrow.  tried that back arrow button, and voila!

who is the receiver in writing, and can it be an act of giving?

whose the audience for this?  common specifics are:  me that rereads, anywhere from immediately to some other defined or not time; people i talk to in my head already;  to a person i imagine for things i'm working out that i have no one to converse with about;

real time issue:  irritation at not being heard.  Gregg walking downstairs and I ask where the pants he's handing down to me are.  a "what" followed by not processing and replying about what pants i'm giving him.  and then his exclaiming as he has to go get them, "surrenders" to my explanation that i'm asking now because i'll want to take them on my trip down.  me trying to be conscious of my irritation and simultaneously allowing it (real time compassion for myself and what wants and needs the irritation is coming out of), and wondering how the voiced (and facially felt) irritation is affected by trying to step a little "out of time" that this "conscious" attempt seems to be like.  and all this overlaid yet again with awareness of some attention concurrently about identity, the spiritual suggestions i'm reading over and over as well as just how i feel like a mean person, can't ever change this, how futile, mundane.  maybe that's all - there does have to be a limit!

Future moments are safe. Now is safe.

Propelling into the future is an offense, using the imagination to strategize.  The underlying assumption is that I have to be at war.  And that comes from projecting from NOW, which is uncomfortable BECAUSE I am on "edge", due to propelling much of my "prescence" away from me now to a future field.

So now is safe.  Now [:)] the future is safe!
The future is safe.  Ahhhh ... now I am safe now!

This blog I animated from wanting to breath devotion into this sense I was having.  I almost always have felt uncomfortable deciding to record my attempts at verbal expression into written form.  This time I had an inkling that the dicomfort stems a lot from this basic nervousness coming out of constant unsafeness.  How can I waste "this" time if it needs to be used to guard against time looming.  Just the control of writing -reconsidering a word, changing tac, loosing track, etc - is evidence of this unsafeness.  I'm out of tune a beat into the future imagining I'll be displeased at what I've just written, and that static interferes with flowing, being tuned in, being ON beat.

Somehow recording this to a web blog inspires me more (reference wordpress blog).  And the gift of a meditation practice I want to embellish more by having this place and time to dovetail with it.